BAU Pool Party
by ScottieTheCat
Summary: The BAU team is in for a bit of fun at JJ's new pool!
1. Preparations

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

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><p>"Don't make me drag you," Garcia threatened, pointing at Prentiss with a pink-feathered pen.<p>

JJ rolled her eyes at Prentiss, who was still trying to argue. JJ had long since learned that resisting Penelope Garcia was a waste of time and possibly life-threatening.

"But I already have a swimsuit," whined Prentiss.

"Too bad, you're both coming with me anyway. Now, up you get!" Garcia commanded. Prentiss sighed and wisely trailed Garcia and JJ out of the bullpen.

JJ was going to host a pool party for the BAU team the following afternoon in celebration of summer and her new pool. Unfortunately, Garcia had jumped at the opportunity to drag both women to the mall with her to 'dress them up pretty' and purchase new swimsuits. All of them already had swimsuits, of course, but there was no stopping the insane force that was Garcia.

At the mall, Prentiss decided she would be lucky to escape with her life. Garcia was whirling around the swimsuit section, collecting appallingly vivid and frilly swimsuits for her 'dolls' to try on. JJ sat outside the dressing rooms, calmly paging through a magazine. Prentiss stood awkwardly, holding their overflowing shopping basket. She found herself glaring at JJ, wondering how the woman could be so calm during a time like this. For heaven's sake, Garcia planned to dress them up and expect them to wear these… things at a pool party in front of the rest of the team! Prentiss felt extremely alarmed at the very thought.

"Here you go," Garcia said, dumping another armload of swimsuits into the shopping basket. "Oh! This one is nice, too… and this one… and this one… and ooooh! Look at the sparkles on this one!"

Yes, Prentiss figured, this must be hell.

JJ was slightly amused. "Garcia, you've picked up practically all of them," she said.

"Yes, well, we need a good selection, don't we? Ooh, the color of this one is spec-tac-u-lar!"

Prentiss shuddered.

Ten minutes later, Garcia herded JJ and Prentiss into two dressing rooms. She locked the doors and began to sort through the basket, separating the swimsuits into piles for JJ, Prentiss, and herself.

Alone in her dressing room, Prentiss suddenly felt as though she was in jail. She was about to crawl under the door to escape when a swimsuit flew over the door and draped itself over her head. She gingerly lifted it out of her hair and stared at it with disgust. It was shiny, indigo, and had stripes of silver glitter woven through it. Oh, god…

JJ sat on the bench in her dressing room, patiently reading her magazine. She knew that the best way to handle Garcia was to play along and look relatively happy about it. A light pink swimsuit was thrown over the door. Its hanger clanged against the mirror. JJ sighed and began to try it on.

The hideousness stunned Prentiss. She stood in the same position for a good minute, repulsed yet fascinated by the glittery swimsuit.

From outside the dressing rooms, Garcia clapped and giggled. "You both have to show me what they look like now! Come on out, my pretties!"

Prentiss jumped, startled. A terrible sense of doom filled her as she heard JJ go out to meet Garcia, wearing God-knows-what. A sudden image flew into Prentiss' mind of Garcia looming over her with glittery swimsuits, cackling evilly and blinding Prentiss with sparkles.

"Emily?" called Garcia. "Get out here!"

"Hold on, hold on! I'm not ready yet!" Prentiss changed into her swimsuit as fast as humanly possible, trying not to look at the glitter. When she finally had the damn thing on, she unlocked the door very slowly and quietly, and tentatively opened the door.

Garcia was in the process of choosing another swimsuit for JJ to try on and had not yet noticed her. Could Prentiss escape? The way to the door was clear. But then she remembered what she was wearing. She just couldn't go anywhere wearing this! But then, if she didn't look down at the glittery abomination, she might just be able to get into the women's clothes section…

"There you are!" Garcia pounced. "No, indigo is not your color. You need more sparkles… more frills… maybe some sequins…" She rummaged around in the Prentiss pile and emerged with four or five more swimsuits. Shoving them into Prentiss' hands, Garcia pushed her back into her dressing room and locked the door.

Meanwhile, in the stall next door, JJ tried on another swimsuit. After a few more swimsuits, this would become an automatic action and she would be able to let her mind wander. But this olive color didn't suit her at all! It was rather disgusting, really. She sighed and returned to Garcia for her appraisal.

"Ooh! That one looks really good, JJ. Let's set that one aside, shall we? The next one should have a little more sparkle," Garcia decided.

"Sparkle is your answer to everything, isn't it?" JJ smiled. She lost her grin when she saw the selected swimsuits. "Great," she said, trying to sound at least a little bit excited. She returned to her dressing room, locked the door, and tried on swimsuits on autopilot. Think of Henry, think of Henry…

Prentiss shuddered and resigned herself to an evening in her dressing room/jail cell. She halfheartedly chose the least sparkly swimsuit to try on first. The rest she flung over the high wall into JJ's cell. Grinning at her little rebellion, Prentiss happily slipped into the awful swimsuit.

Garcia waited in a corner of the dressing room, outside of the stalls and far from the exit. This last bit was probably a bad idea, since she had noticed Prentiss eyeing up the escape route.

Garcia had long since chosen her own swimsuit. It was a vividly flowered two-piece from the mix-and-match rack. Those two pieces were definitely not meant for each other, and no designer had ever envisioned them together, but Penelope Garcia had a soft spot for unlikely matches.

The two piles Garcia had separated for JJ and Prentiss were still huge, and Garcia was planning to remain here, torturing them with sparkly creations, until the store closed in three and a half hours. She had set aside the two swimsuits that she knew JJ and Prentiss would choose in the end. They were devoid of sparkles, glitter, and brilliant colors. Garcia had them well-hidden under her own intended purchase.

For the next three and a half hours, Garcia could just sit back and agonize her friends with sparkles. Friday nights are fun.


	2. Stickers on Arrival

Disclaimer: I still do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

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><p>"I don't want to play with Henry today," Jack said.<p>

Hotch glanced up to the rearview mirror. Jack was slumped in his car seat, looking glum.

"Why not, buddy? You two always have so much fun," Hotch said.

Jack sat up straighter and blew his hair out of his eyes. "Henry's such a baby!"

"Come on, you're not that different in age," Hotch pointed out.

"Yeah, well, he still takes naps," Jack said, as if naps were the stupidest thing in the world, and he was so over them.

"You took a nap yesterday," Hotch said. Why was he getting so much attitude from a six-year-old? Wasn't this supposed to happen in the teenage years?

"Dad! That wasn't a nap. That was a _rest_!" Jack said, appalled.

"Fine, fine, you took a _rest_. Anyway, Henry thinks of you as an older brother; he practically worships you," Hotch said.

Jack thought about that for a moment. He pictured himself as the king of the universe, with Henry as his loyal servant, looking out over the planets and stars at his minions. It wasn't a bad idea, really, Jack decided. He smiled to himself. "What's the plan for today?" he asked Hotch.

"Um… well, first, Uncle Will and Uncle Kevin are going to take you and Henry to get ice cream, and then go to the park. After that, you guys can join us at the pool party."

"Huh. How come me and Henry can't go swimming right away?" Jack asked, suspicious.

"Because, Jack, the early afternoon sun will give you boys sunburn," Hotch explained.

"But I already have sunscreen on," Jack pointed out.

"Well, sunscreen doesn't work too well in the early afternoon. It will be better for you to go swimming later, when the sun isn't so high in the sky." It was a weak excuse, but Hotch couldn't think of anything better. The truth was that the team wanted to have some time without the kids around, so that they wouldn't have to act like grown-ups.

"But after four in the afternoon, you don't even need sunscreen. Sunscreen is made for protecting your skin while the sun is high in the sky," Jack argued.

"Yes, well… Look, we're here!" Hotch said, pulling into JJ's driveway.

Jack picked at his seatbelt and waited for his dad to unbuckle him. Car seats were tricky. Hotch opened the side door and freed Jack. Jack reached for his towel and goggles.

"No, buddy, leave those here until you get back. You don't want to lose them, do you?"

Jack sighed and put his swimming stuff on his car seat. He was already wearing his swimming trunks. He had dark blue ones with pirate ships on them, and insisted on wearing them in public as shorts six days out of seven. Hotch let that slide; after all, it didn't harm anybody, and at age six, pirates were the coolest thing on Earth.

As Hotch and Jack climbed the steps to JJ's front door, Garcia and Kevin pulled into the driveway. Jack wanted to go say hello right away, but Hotch thought it best to get into the house first. He gave a little wave to Garcia and rang the doorbell.

"Hi there, Jack!" JJ appeared at the door and let them in, waiting a moment to see if Garcia was coming. She and Kevin were dawdling at the car, extracting brightly colored towels. JJ closed the door and turned to Jack. "Henry's upstairs, finishing his nap. You can go wake him up, if you like."

Jack gave a meaningful look to Hotch before scooting up the stairs to find his loyal servant.

"Prentiss, Morgan, and Reid are out back already," JJ said, pointing to a glass sliding door across the house.

Hotch was about to reply, but he found himself being forced forward as the front door slammed into his back.

"HELLO!" Garcia called. "Where is my godson and his charming playmate?"

Hotch reeled about, hissing. He rubbed his lower back where the doorknob had bit into him. Nobody noticed his pain.

"Jack and Henry are upstairs," JJ said. As soon as she said that, Will came down the stairs, Jack and Henry trotting behind him.

"What handsome young men!" Garcia cooed. Jack and Henry seemed to be drawn to the eccentric woman and mobbed her with hugs. Garcia laughed and plucked them off of her.

"Stand still and close your eyes," she instructed. The boys obeyed. Garcia turned to Kevin, who was standing behind her and held several bags. One overflowed with vivid towels, one had bags of balloons, and the others were full of mysterious objects that would be revealed in time. Garcia reached into a bag and pulled out a roll of stickers. She peeled off two stickers and stuck one on each boy's forehead.

"There!" she said. Jack and Henry opened their eyes and felt the stickers.

"Yours is 3D!" Jack told Henry excitedly. "It's got fish on it!" Henry's sticker was indeed in 3D and depicted colorful clown fish that appeared to move when observed at different angles.

"What's on mine?" Jack demanded.

"You're too tall. I can't tell," Henry grumped. Jack bent his knees to be on the same level as Henry.

"Yours is 3D, too," said Henry slowly, "and it's got frogs!"

"Cool!" Jack exclaimed.

"What do we say, boys?" asked JJ.

"Thank you, Aunt Penelope," Jack and Henry said.

"You're welcome, my lovelies," Garcia grinned.

Meanwhile, Hotch was recovering from his injuries. He did a few stretches to assess the damage, and was pleased at the results. Hotch determined that there would be no lasting damage, although it had hurt really, really badly.

Kevin set down Garcia's bags. "Are you boys ready to go get ice cream?" he asked.

"YEAH!" they yelled. Will and Kevin led the way out the door, Henry and Jack trailing behind them.

"Bye, Mommy!" Henry called, waving emphatically at JJ. She smiled and waved. Jack was determined not to act like a little kid, so instead of calling out to his dad, he gave what he thought was a very grown-up nod and shut the front door behind them.

"Are we the last ones to arrive?" Garcia asked JJ.

"No, Rossi's still out there somewhere," JJ replied, leading the way to the back door.

Hotch did one last stretch and followed them through the kitchen.

"Did you hurt yourself?" Rossi materialized next to Hotch.

"Whoa! Where did you come from?" Hotch asked, a little creeped out.

"The front door seemed a little congested, so I came in through the living room window," Rossi shrugged.

"Is that even legal?" Hotch asked.

"Probably not," Rossi replied nonchalantly.

They all waited as JJ opened the glass sliding door. Garcia, Hotch, Rossi, and JJ entered the backyard. The pool party had begun.


	3. Chex Mix

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

I also do not own Chex Mix.

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><p>The new pool was the dominating feature of the small backyard. It was shaped like the number eight, with the deep end being slightly smaller than the shallow end. The pool lining was bright blue with small bubbles in a pattern. Concrete outlined the pool and lounge chairs sat at intervals on the concrete. A flower garden with two huge willow trees presided over the back of the property and led to a wooden fence.<p>

Rossi, Hotch, Garcia, and JJ filed out the back door to survey this scene.

"My pool is at least twice as big," Rossi muttered quietly, so that JJ couldn't hear.

"Stop that," Garcia scolded. Hotch 'accidentally' stepped on Rossi's foot.

The rest of them paid the necessary compliments to JJ, who smiled and told them to get comfortable.

At the shallow end of the pool, Prentiss sat in one of the lounge chairs with Reid and Morgan in chairs at either side. She and Reid were discussing something, which Morgan was teasing them for. Prentiss noticed that the rest of the team had arrived.

"Hey, guys!" she called.

"Prentiss," Hotch nodded.

"Hotch! Come on, it's a pool party. I'm Emily."

Hotch rolled his eyes and chose a lounge chair at the other end of the pool. The team spread out, each person claiming a chair by hanging their towel over the back.

JJ disappeared inside to bring out drinks and snacks. Hotch, Rossi, and Garcia gathered around Morgan, Prentiss, and Reid.

"So what are we talking about?" asked Garcia.

Reid piped up. "We're discussing several key points of- ow! Morgan!"

Morgan had whipped his towel at the genius. He laughed. "Garcia, baby, you really don't want to know."

Prentiss poked him in the arm. "Next time you inflict harm on Reid, can you not do it from across me?"

JJ emerged from the house, carrying several large plastic bowls on top of each other. The team jumped up to help her. They set down the three bowls on a small plastic table. One was filled with pretzels, one with goldfish, and one with…

"Chex Mix!" shouted Reid. "I love Chex Mix!"

"Good for you, kid," Morgan said.

"I need someone to help me with the drinks," JJ said. Hotch volunteered. While they went inside to fetch soda, the rest of them sat at the edge of the pool.

Reid nonchalantly slipped the bowl of Chex Mix behind his back and sidestepped toward his lounge chair.

Garcia put her feet into the pool and extracted them in the same second. "Kind of chilly, but it's a hot day, so it will warm up," she reported.

"So…." Prentiss said. "What exactly does one do at a pool party?"

Garcia shoved her into the water.

They all watched her disappear under the water and come back up again.

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Prentiss. "Penelope Garcia, I am going to KILL YOU!" She coughed and shivered.

Morgan and Garcia high-fived. "Nice one," Morgan congratulated her.

JJ ran out into the backyard. "Is everyone okay?" she asked, worried.

"Emily just had an accident, that's all," Rossi reassured JJ.

"ACCIDENT? You call this an accident? You people are ruthless!" Prentiss sputtered.

JJ shrugged and went to help Hotch carry out the soda. She had decided that no alcohol would be allowed after Reid had bombarded her with statistics regarding poolside accidents involving alcohol. Loading them all up on sugar and caffeine wouldn't be a grand idea either, but according to Reid, it was marginally safer and much more entertaining.

Prentiss headed for the steps to get out of the pool.

"Oh, no, missy. You stay right there," Garcia warned.

"Well, I'm not going to be the only one in here!"

"Then get out of the way," Morgan told her.

"What?" Prentiss didn't understand.

Morgan took off his t-shirt and sandals. Only his dark green swimming trunks were left. He walked to the back door and turned to face the pool.

"Get out of the way," he repeated, as he started running towards the pool.

"OH!" Prentiss exclaimed, and quickly dodged.

There was a tremendous splash! Morgan plummeted to the bottom of the deep end. He bobbed to the surface, laughing. "How big was the splash?" he asked.

"You got water in my Chex Mix," Reid complained. He picked out the wet pieces and stacked them on the arm of his chair.

"Hey! Reid stole the Chex Mix!" Garcia noticed.

"My Chex Mix!" Reid hugged the bowl possessively.

"Children, behave yourselves," JJ warned. She set down two liters of soda, as did Hotch.

"Get in the pool already, you guys!" Prentiss called. JJ sat down on the edge of the pool and slid in. Garcia followed suit. Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia hung out in the shallow end, while Morgan turned somersaults in the deep end.

Garcia paused to look at the BAU swimwear fashions. Hotch had dark blue trunks with golden anchors. Morgan's were plain dark green, but had some snazzy-looking pockets. Rossi had boring brown trunks, but they probably had cost a fortune and a half. Reid's were maroon. JJ was wearing a royal blue two-piece. Emily had on a black two-piece with red trim. JJ and Emily had been forced to wear the swimsuits they had purchased the night before. Garcia herself wore a creation that was vivid, flowery, glittery, sequin-y, and dizzy to look at. By comparison, the rest of the team's fashion was depressingly dull, as usual.

"Seven," Morgan said proudly.

"Seven what?" Garcia asked.

"Seven somersaults in a row," Morgan bragged.

"I bet I could do better," Prentiss muttered.

"What was that? You wanna try?" Morgan asked.

Prentiss stuck her tongue out at him.

"Now, now, be nice," JJ smiled. A second later, she stuck out her tongue at Morgan, as well.

"And to think people trust you clowns to save lives," Garcia scoffed.

Meanwhile, Hotch and Rossi relaxed in lounge chairs.

"They're a bunch of children," Hotch observed.

"I suppose they need to relax once in a while and let their inner child see daylight," Rossi said.

"Why are you always so philosophical?"

"If I didn't keep you interested with my mysterious nature, I would probably get demoted and have to work in the bullpen."

"I see…. What are you doing?" Hotch asked.

Rossi had produced a wineglass from out of nowhere and was pouring orange soda into it. "I am trying to make a children's drink look sophisticated."

"It's not working," Hotch remarked.

Rossi swirled the orange soda in his glass, causing it to fizz over onto his hand. "It's easier said than done, I suppose. Do you think JJ has any drink umbrellas?"


	4. Splash War

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

I also do not own Chex Mix.

Author's Note: Chex Mix is a mixture of cereal, nuts, dried bread, pretzels and crackers that is eaten as a snack. I should have explained this in the last chaper; sorry about that.

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><p>"Nine!" gasped Morgan. He took a moment to breathe and let the dizziness wear off. "Nine somersaults in a row!"<p>

"That was only eight," Prentiss said. "I was counting."

"I was counting too," Morgan growled, "and it was nine."

"Eight," Prentiss argued.

"JJ, Garcia, wasn't that nine?" Morgan pleaded.

"I saw nothing," JJ said.

"It was tough to tell," Garcia squeaked, unwilling to get in the middle of this.

"If it was nine, then do it again," Prentiss challenged.

"What? That was a once-in-a-lifetime thing! I can't just do it again!" Morgan yelled.

Reid walked over to the edge of the pool. "Hey, JJ?" he called.

"Yeah?" JJ looked up.

Reid waved an empty blue plastic bowl. "Do you have any more Chex Mix?"

"Uh, yeah. It's inside. I'll go get it for you," JJ offered. She began to climb out of the pool, but Garcia latched onto her leg, stopping her.

"JJ, if Reid has any more Chex Mix, he's going to sink when he comes swimming," Garcia told her.

Reid looked scared. "Actually, I don't think I'll go swimming today."

"Huh?" Prentiss turned away from her argument with Morgan. "Why not?"

"I just don't feel comfortable swimming today, okay?"

"Well, at least come sit over here and put your feet in the water," said Prentiss.

"Okay," Reid sighed. He sat down on the edge of the pool and stuck his feet in the water. He pulled on a pair of goggles.

"Seriously, kid? You're going to wear goggles just while sitting there?" Morgan teased.

"I saw what you guys did to Emily earlier!" defended Reid. "I'm not going under unprepared!"

"Whatever," Morgan said, rolling his eyes. He knew that they would never play such a mean trick on Reid, whose feelings tended to get hurt easier than most people's. Prentiss, on the other hand… hey, where was she, anyway?

During the back-and-forth between Morgan and Reid, Prentiss saw her chance. She inched toward the shady side of the pool and slipped underwater. She had always been a strong swimmer, and made it to the end of the deep end in one breath. She came to the surface slowly, scouting out her target. There he was, just a few feet in front of her. Her eyes met with JJ's, who was standing in the shallow end across the pool. JJ gave her a smile and a thumbs-up. Prentiss silently crept forward toward Morgan's back.

Morgan looked across the pool at the shallow end. Prentiss was nowhere to be seen. He had a bad feeling about this. "Hey, you guys seen Emily?"

A sheet of water cascaded over his head!

Morgan coughed and blinked. He heard a shriek of laughter from behind him. He spun around. Of course! She had been behind him all along! Morgan prepared to give her the splash of her life.

Before he could, Prentiss had the good sense to duck underwater and retreat to the shallow end. She popped up next to JJ and Garcia.

"SPLASH WAR!" Garcia yelled. "Boys against girls!"

From their lounge chairs, Rossi and Hotch were startled out of their conversation by the call to action. They shrugged, slipped off their sandals, and jumped into the deep end.

"Garcia! Are you crazy?" Prentiss said. "We haven't even started yet, and you put us at a disadvantage! There are four of them and three of us!"

"Get some guts, girl! We could beat all four of them any day. Anyway, Reid isn't swimming today, remember?" Garcia nodded over to Reid, who was looking unsure of what to do.

JJ swam over to Reid. "We need a referee," she told him.

Relieved, Reid nodded. "Alright," he announced. "Each team gets a minute to huddle and make a strategy!"

In the shallow end, the three girls gathered together and started whispering. "We should each pick one to go after," JJ suggested sensibly.

"I call Morgan," whispered Prentiss. "He and I have a score to settle."

"But I wanted to go after Morgan!" Garcia whined.

"Okay, so you hold him down, and I'll splash him," Prentiss said.

"Gladly," smirked Garcia.

"No! Not gladly!" interrupted JJ. "That leaves me to deal with both Hotch and Rossi!"

Prentiss shrugged. "If they hurt you too badly, Reid will call foul on them."

" 'If they hurt me too badly'? Gosh, Emily, that makes me feel loads better," JJ hissed.

Meanwhile, in the deep end of the pool, the men gathered around.

"Judging from their conduct so far today, Prentiss will be the most trouble," Hotch theorized. Even if it was a pool party, he couldn't bring himself to call his team by their first names.

"Agreed," Rossi said. "You and I can incapacitate her."

Hotch nodded. "Morgan, I trust you can handle JJ and Garcia?"

"Easily," Morgan promised.

They spread out across the deep end, watching the girls, who were still whispering.

"Time's up," announced Reid. "I don't know the rules for a splash war, since I've never been in one before, but if you're mean to someone or hurt them, you'll have to sit up here with me for two minutes. Fair?"

"Fair!" they all called.

"Ready... Set…" called Reid.

They eyed up their targets.

"GO!"

Hotch and Rossi lunged for Prentiss, Prentiss and Garcia zoomed toward Morgan, JJ tentatively headed for Hotch and Rossi, and Morgan lunged for Garcia and JJ.

Shortly, all of their plans dissolved, and they became a tangled mass in the middle of the pool. Everyone tried to splash as much as they could while still being able to breathe, which was difficult. The air was full of flailing limbs and flying water. It was loud, too, with laughter, screaming, and shrieking.

JJ was having difficulties. She was unable to reach her targets, since they were both trying to tackle Prentiss. She had to keep dodging Morgan, who was half-running, half-swimming away from Garcia and Prentiss. Morgan suddenly leaped at JJ. She screamed, dodged, and ducked underwater.

Underwater was quieter, but a lot more dangerous. She jerked out of the way of Rossi's leg and nearly bumped into one of Hotch's. Underwater, legs kicked from every which way. JJ was running out of air, but she couldn't find a good spot to come to the surface; there were people everywhere.

Morgan wasn't doing so well, either. One of his targets was overly enthusiastic about chasing him, and he didn't have the nerve to take her down. The other one, which he had set on chasing, had disappeared. He couldn't see JJ in the mess of people. Morgan figured that she must be underwater. He plunged under.

Immediately, he was almost kicked in the face by Garcia, one he was supposed to be taking down. He had severely underestimated her scariness. He dove further down and saw JJ at the bottom of the deep end, dodging legs and looking for an opening. He swam toward her.

Morgan grasped JJ's arm and dragged her to the surface, whereupon he pelted her with water. Finally! He had one of his targets!

JJ screamed and laughed, getting a mouthful of water. She splashed Morgan in retaliation before swimming off in search of Hotch and Rossi. Morgan clawed his way back into the mess of people.

Prentiss was laughing and splashing Hotch and Rossi half to death. It was strange how both men cowered before her and splashes of water. She was enjoying herself immensely.

Hotch and Rossi decided to get their act together. They nodded, counted to three, and lunged toward Prentiss. She screamed and jumped backward, colliding with Morgan. Morgan pushed her roughly out of his way and went to look for Garcia and JJ.

Reid spun his empty plastic bowl around on the concrete next to him. He had given up trying to spot fouls; there was too much noise and his vision was obscured by the splashes of water on his goggles. For the third time, he pulled off his goggles and wiped them off on his trunks. He pulled them on again.

Splash wars were much more violent than Reid had thought they would be. Honestly, he was surprised that nobody had lost a tooth yet. But he had to admit, it looked like fun.

Maybe he would join in soon.

Screams erupted from the pool as Morgan tackled both Garcia and JJ at once.

Then again, maybe not.


	5. Splash War Part Two

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

I still do not own Chex Mix.

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><p>In the middle of JJ's pool, the splash war raged on.<p>

Morgan tackled both of his targets, JJ and Garcia. They screamed and squirmed, and kicked their way free. Morgan decided that although he thought it would be easy, both of them at once would be too much to handle, even for him.

JJ and Garcia shot off in opposite directions and looped back to join in the fray at the middle of the pool. Morgan swam over in pursuit. He spotted JJ, who was hiding behind Prentiss for protection. Prentiss saw him coming and prepared to splash him, but Morgan pushed her violently out of the way and lunged for JJ.

"Reid!" Prentiss screeched. "Morgan punched me!"

Reid, the referee, looked over from where he was sitting at the edge of the pool. "Foul on Morgan," he announced. The penalty was sitting out of the war for two minutes.

Morgan balked. "I did not punch you! You just got in the way of my fist!" Okay, so maybe he had pushed her a little roughly, but he didn't actually punch her, he reasoned. She just had it in for him.

"Morgan, get out of the pool." Reid tried to sound commanding. He failed.

Morgan heaved himself up onto the edge of the pool. He couldn't believe he was taking orders from this kid.

Only Hotch and Rossi were left in the water on the men's team. Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia saw their chance. They lined up across the middle of the pool. Their backs were facing the deep end, effectively locking Hotch and Rossi in the shallow end. The two men were trapped in three and a half feet of water, facing three women who would show no mercy.

"Crap," Rossi realized. "We're screwed."

The girls pounced.

Hotch tried for a second to defend himself, but quickly gave up. Rossi knew better, and retreated across the shallow end. Hotch jogged to catch up.

"To the stairs!" Hotch gasped, out of breath. Rossi followed him over to the corner of the shallow end where the stairs were located. Hotch and Rossi regrouped for what might be their last stand.

"Has it been two minutes yet?" Morgan growled impatiently.

"You have forty-five seconds left," Reid told him. Reid hugged the empty Chex Mix bowl. He stuck his face in it. If he smelled really carefully, he could still pick up the scent of Chex Mix. He opened his eyes and realized that the bowl was translucent. With the bowl on his face, he turned to Morgan.

"Ha, I can see you!" Reid called.

Morgan snatched the bowl from Reid's face and flung it onto the nearest chair.

"Hey!" protested Reid.

"Can I go in yet?" Morgan asked, rather threateningly. His team was weakening; they would fall soon without him.

"Uh… wait for it… wait for it… go!" Reid said, staring at his watch. Good thing his watch was waterproof. Even so, he wasn't about to wear it swimming. In case Morgan planned on dragging him into the pool with him, Reid undid his watch and tossed it over on his lounge chair.

Fortunately, Morgan had planned no such thing. Morgan's mission was to rescue his team. To do so, he would have to break through a wall of females. Morgan smiled. Now, _this_ he could do.

Morgan quickly assessed which of the girls was doing the most damage. That would be Prentiss. He made his way over to the corner. He hooked an arm around Prentiss' middle, dragged her away from the group, and tossed her into the deep end.

Prentiss broke the surface, coughing and hissing angrily. "Will you people stop doing that to me?" she growled.

Morgan laughed and turned back toward his team. With Prentiss out of the way, his team had been able to divide and conquer. Rossi faced Garcia and Hotch faced JJ. Both men were forcing the women back toward the middle of the pool. Morgan smiled. Mission accomplished.

Morgan headed over to help his teammates and splash his targets. Halfway there, he felt a cold hand claw at the back of his neck. Oh, god, he thought, Prentiss is back, and she's not happy.

He turned to face her, only to catch a face full of water. Prentiss splashed him mercilessly. Wave after wave cascaded down his head. This woman was formidable in a splash fight! Next time, Morgan would make sure to be on the same team as her. This time, however, he was struggling to breathe.

Morgan was being forced back by Prentiss. She splashed and splashed him, taking revenge for the discourtesy of throwing her in the deep end without so much as a warning. Morgan opened his eyes, was blinded with pool water, and rubbed them to get the water out. He stumbled backwards and collided with JJ. Good. One of his targets. He turned towards JJ, desperate to get away from Prentiss.

Hotch saw that Morgan was in trouble. To repay the rescue favor given moments before, he abandoned a half-screaming, half-laughing JJ and dodged Morgan, who subsequently knocked JJ over.

Hotch tackled Prentiss and dragged her under the water with him. She squirmed and fought, which was to be expected. Hotch pushed her away to the right and came to the surface for air.

He spotted Prentiss at the far end of the pool, in deep water. She coughed and clung to the edge for support. Hotch was concerned, but only for a moment. After getting all the water out of her lungs, Prentiss dove back in the game, revenge in her eyes.

Hotch decided that this would be a grand time to move out of her way. He ran toward the shallow end. He was yelling, not screaming, he told himself. Definitely not screaming.

Prentiss pounced, tackling him in the shallow water.

Okay, _now_ he was screaming.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the ice cream parlor, Kevin and Will were having a peaceful and relaxing day with the boys.<p>

They had chosen a nice table with an umbrella so that they could eat their ice cream outside. Most of the other tables were filled, and the background chatter was pleasant.

Henry had cotton candy-flavored ice cream all over his face, hands, and down the front of his shirt. Despite this, he was having a wonderful time, as small boys seem to do when they're messy.

Jack had ordered chocolate ice cream, and was trying to eat it like an adult would. That meant minimal mess. Unfortunately, the day was hot and the ice cream melted too fast to keep up with. Brown streaks ran down the cone and over his hands.

Will had ordered plain vanilla and had already finished half of his cone. Kevin was working on his black cherry-flavored ice cream.

Jack and Henry were still talking about the stickers that Garcia had given them.

"Frogs can jump two feet high," Jack told Henry. He didn't know that for sure, but it seemed practical.

"Yeah, well, fish can swim, like, a thousand miles per hour!" Henry said. He wanted to win this argument, whether it was an argument or not.

"No, they can't," Jack said.

"They can, too!" Henry cried.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Jack called.

"They are not!" Henry looked down at his swimming trunks. He had insisted on wearing them because Jack was wearing swimming trunks, too. "Anyway, I'm not even wearing pants!" Henry pointed out.

"You are, too," Jack said.

"Am not!"

"You are, because swimming trunks are a type of pants! Liar!" Jack told him.

Henry started to cry. The people at the surrounding tables began to stare.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Jack taunted.

"I'M NOT WEARING PANTS!" Henry screeched.

All conversations ceased. Everyone stared at Henry and his presumed 'family'.

Kevin and Will looked at each other.

"Maybe we should finish our ice cream at the park," Kevin suggested.

"Yeah," Will agreed.

They gathered up the boys and headed to the car. Stares followed them as they walked, making them feel extremely awkward.

At that moment, Kevin decided to never have kids.


	6. Garcia's Bags of Wonder, Part One

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

I still do not own Chex Mix.

* * *

><p>Hotch and Rossi put up their hands in surrender. Rossi climbed the ladder out of the deep end, followed by Hotch.<p>

The girls cheered.

"Hey!" Morgan said. "You can't just give up!"

"I'm old; I tire easily," Rossi explained. Being old had its perks. He regularly exploited his age to get out of work and awkward situations such as this one.

"You do not! What's your excuse, Hotch?" Morgan growled. He felt betrayed.

Hotch glared. "Morgan, without Rossi, we're sunk anyway."

"That's not an acceptable reason, Hotch," said Morgan.

"Fine," Hotch said. He pointed at Prentiss. "She scares me," he said.

Prentiss laughed in delight. Garcia and JJ high-fived her for scaring their supervisor.

Hotch and Rossi collapsed onto their lounge chairs.

Morgan turned back to where Garcia, JJ, and Prentiss were lurking, grinning at him. He sized up his chances, and decided to flee. "Just for the record," he said, "I could take all of you down here and now. Consider yourselves spared."

Prentiss rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right, I'm sure," she said sarcastically.

"Watch it, Prentiss," Morgan warned. He climbed out of the pool. He walked over to his lounge chair and snatched up his towel. Slinging it over his shoulders, he sat down on the end of his lounge chair. Sitting next to him was Reid's blue plastic Chex Mix bowl, which Morgan had tossed onto the chair earlier. He picked it up, and held it up to the light.

"Huh, what do you know? You _can_ see through it," he muttered.

From where he was sitting at the edge of the pool, Reid whipped around and glared at Morgan. "See? I was right," Reid told him.

"Hey, I never doubted you, kid," Morgan said.

Reid held up his hands. "Can I have it back, now?"

"Sure." Morgan tossed the bowl at Reid's lap.

Reid tried to catch it, knocked it out of the way, and the bowl landed in the pool.

"That was so not my fault," Morgan defended. Reid glared at him.

Luckily, as Reid wasted no time in explaining, plastic floats. Otherwise, the bowl would have blended in with the pool lining on the bottom and would have been lost forever. Reid reached into the pool as far as he could. Morgan was tempted to push him in, but decided against it when he saw that Reid's goggles were not currently on his face. The kid would probably freak out if he got dunked, especially without his goggles on, and Morgan wasn't a mean person, really.

"Ha!" exclaimed Reid. He had successfully fished the bowl out of the pool. He hugged it close.

Hotch and Rossi relaxed in their lounge chairs.

"What is Reid's fascination with that bowl?" Hotch asked Rossi.

"I believe his fascination lies with the substance that the bowl once contained," Rossi replied, purposely using large words.

"Oh. Should we be worried about him? Wait. Now what are _you_ doing?" Hotch demanded.

Rossi had pulled out several more wine glasses and was pouring a small amount of a different kind of soda into each. He then poured the contents of several glasses into one larger glass.

"I'm going through cocktail withdrawal," Rossi explained calmly.

He certainly was.

Rossi pulled out a straw and delicately spun the mixture in the glass, careful to avoid fizzing. Content with the result, which was brownish-beige, he took a sip and swirled it around in his mouth. He made a face.

"Disgusting," Rossi whispered. He turned around and discreetly poured out his mixture onto the grass behind his lounge chair.

Rossi poured a different mixture of sodas into his wineglass.

"I think it's you that I should be worried about," Hotch commented. This was just sad.

Rossi offered him a glass of mixed soda.

"No, thanks," Hotch grimaced.

"Your loss," Rossi shrugged. He took a sip, gagged, and ditched the mixture behind his chair.

Hotch sighed and shook his head.

Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia were talking in the shallow end of the pool, re-energized by their victory.

"Hey, what time do you think it is?" JJ asked, thinking of Henry and Jack.

"It's exactly two twenty-seven," called Reid.

"Oh, good. The boys won't be back for a while yet," JJ sighed.

"When do you expect them back?" Garcia asked.

"About four-thirty or so," JJ said.

"Hey, JJ?" Reid called.

"Yeah?"

"Since I gave you the correct time and all… well… can I have some more Chex Mix?" Reid held up the empty bowl.

JJ laughed. "Sure, Reid." She headed for the stairs to fetch the bag for him.

Garcia was faster. She leapt up onto the concrete and ran to her lounge chair, which was covered in vividly colored towels.

"Get back in the pool, JJ," Garcia growled threateningly.

"Um… okay?" JJ backed down the stairs.

"What about my Chex Mix?" Reid whined.

"If you cooperate, you shall get your Chex Mix," Garcia told him. "Listen up, all of you! Yes, even you, Rossi," Garcia called around.

Morgan flipped up his sunglasses with a finger. "What's going on, baby girl?"

Garcia picked up the several bags she had brought with her. This would be good.

"We are now going to explore Penelope Garcia's Bags of Wonder!" Garcia announced.

"Oh, dear," Prentiss murmured. She was praying that those bags held no swimsuits.

"I need a volunteer!" Garcia looked around. Prentiss and JJ looked uneasy. Hotch and Rossi were puzzled. Reid was flat-out terrified. Morgan raised his hand and stood up.

"Yeah, I'll help," Morgan said. He walked over to Garcia.

"Perfect," Garcia purred. This was exactly what she had planned; she knew Morgan would volunteer.

"Very well, Volunteer Morgan." Garcia paused dramatically. Then, "Restrain Reid! Quick!"

"What?" Reid squeaked.

Morgan laughed. He easily grabbed Reid's arms and held them behind Reid's back.

"What's going on, Garcia?" Reid whined. He tried to fight against Morgan, but the battle was lost before it began and he went limp.

From his lounge chair, Hotch was wondering why he had hired a man that went limp in a fight.

From the pool, JJ and Prentiss were wondering just where this was leading.

From his lounge chair, Rossi knew exactly where this was going, having peeked into Garcia's bags earlier. He chose not to say anything.

This was going to be extremely entertaining.


	7. Garcia's Bags of Wonder, Part Two

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

I still do not own Chex Mix.

**Author's Note:** I have a tendency to pick on Reid, just because he's easy to pick on. That being said, there are three standard pool toys you must be familiar with in order to understand this chapter. They are: water-wings, inflatable pool rings (also known in some places as 'inner tubes'), and foam noodles. If you are unfamiliar with any of the above, look them up on a search engine before continuing to read. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>"I'd like to go home now," Reid whimpered. His hands were being held behind his back by Morgan. Garcia rummaged around in one of her Bags of Wonder. Reid didn't know what she had in mind, but if it involved him being restrained, Reid was sure he wouldn't like it.<p>

"Oh, hush," Garcia told him, smiling evilly. That was not comforting.

"I'm not comfortable with this!" Reid wailed. "Won't somebody help me?"

Prentiss, JJ, and Hotch just stared at him. Rossi mixed another soda drink, seemingly unconcerned.

Morgan laughed. "I'm guessing this is some sort of retaliation on you for not being in the splash war, earlier," he said.

"I was in the war! I was the referee! See? My goggles are still wet!" Reid was getting frantic.

Garcia had found what she was looking for. It was a small, rectangular, plastic-wrapped package. She clawed at the packaging. It fell away into a Bag of Wonder, revealing something yellow.

Reid squeaked in alarm. He had never liked small, ominous, yellow things.

Garcia poked Reid in the stomach.

"Ah! My tummy!" Reid shied away.

"Shush. Be cooperative, and this will be painless. Well, mostly painless," Garcia told him.

Everyone watched in silence. Reid didn't like that. They seemed way too interested in what was about to befall him.

Garcia shook the yellow plastic thing. Two smaller yellow plastic things fell out onto the concrete. She unfolded the one in her hand. It looked to be an inflatable pool ring. She laid it out on the ground.

"Center him," Garcia ordered Morgan.

Morgan lifted Reid and set him down again. Reid's feet were now in the middle of the pool ring. Garcia picked up the pool ring and wriggled it up Reid's legs, resting it on his waist.

"Hold that there," Garcia told Morgan. Morgan transferred Reid's hands into one of his own and held the ring in place with the other.

Reid became aware that on the front of the ring lay a bulge of plastic. He didn't want to know what it was.

Garcia fished around in her Bag of Wonder and pulled out a portable air pump. She attached it to the air valve and slowly inflated the yellow ring.

In the pool, JJ whispered to Prentiss, "What's that bulge on the front of the ring?"

"I have no clue," Prentiss whispered back.

Hotch narrowed his eyes and leaned over to Rossi. "Why would any person, sane or not, bring an air pump to a pool party?" he muttered.

Rossi sipped his mixed soda, grimaced, and spat it out behind his chair. "Because that person is Penelope Garcia," he replied.

Hotch shrugged. That was the most reasonable answer he was likely to get.

The ring was almost entirely inflated now. Only the bulge of plastic in the front was still floppy. Garcia poked the ring to see if it was firm enough. Pleased, she detached the air pump and reattached it to a separate valve on the floppy plastic in front. The bulge inflated quickly and was easily recognizable.

Garcia grinned and waited for the team's reactions.

"Oh, you did not!" Morgan said, struggling to keep the laughter out of his voice.

"That is so great!" Prentiss giggled.

"You're the best, Garcia." JJ laughed and gasped for breath.

Hotch smiled before he could stop himself, and to keep the rest of the team from seeing this atrocity, he turned his head away.

Rossi poured another drink.

Reid almost cried.

The bulge had formed into a head. The head of a duck, to be exact.

Reid was, in effect, wearing an inflatable duck.

Garcia screeched with laughter and picked up the other two yellow pieces of plastic. "Water-wing time!"

"Oh, no, please!" Reid squirmed.

Garcia blew up the water wings. Morgan helped her shove them up Reid's arms. Garcia grabbed Reid and turned him to face the team.

"Behold; Reid the Duckling!" Garcia announced.

The team beheld.

"That is so perfect for him," Prentiss giggled.

"Shut up, Emily," Reid muttered. He ran his hands along the duck's head.

"Oh, but that's not all," Garcia grinned.

Reid whimpered and cringed.

"Can I have my Chex Mix now?" Reid asked.

Garcia ignored him.

Garcia dug into the largest Bag of Wonder. She came up with seven foam noodles, each a different color. The team watched as she circled the pool, placing a noodle on each of the team's lounge chairs.

Garcia placed an orange noodle on JJ's chair. She put a green one on Prentiss' chair. A yellow one for Reid. Garcia laid a blue noodle across Hotch's legs and a purple one across Rossi's. She placed a red noodle on her own chair. Lastly, she laid a pink noodle on Morgan's chair.

Morgan gave Garcia an odd look.

"Trust in my awesomeness," Garcia told him. "Now, everyone, please return to your chairs and collect your noodle."

Prentiss and JJ looked at each other and shrugged. They climbed the steps and sat on the edge of their lounge chairs, holding their noodles. Morgan poked his noodle before picking it up. He held the pink noodle close to his face. "I'm gonna show you who's boss," he hissed to it.

Hotch raised his noodle and jabbed Rossi, who had not yet touched his. Rossi glared at Hotch and set down his soda-filled wineglass. Rossi picked up his purple noodle and 'accidentally' let it flop onto Hotch's head. Hotch made a whiny sound and batted it away.

Reid was making his way toward his chair, but Garcia held out a red noodle to stop him.

"No noodle for you, just yet," Garcia told him.

Reid gulped. Garcia was smiling. Instinct told him to run, but it was difficult to walk in this… outfit… and there was no way he could run.

"Okay," he squeaked.

Garcia noticed that Reid was wearing his goggles. "Morgan," she called. Morgan showed up at her side. He was a good servant.

Garcia grinned. "Put the Duckling in his natural habitat, would you?"

Morgan laughed. "Gladly!"

Morgan walked toward Reid.

Reid backed away.

Morgan kept coming.

Reid backed away more.

Morgan reached out and grabbed Reid around his middle, just above the duck ring.

"Hey! No! You can't do this!" Reid yelled. He kicked and flailed, but Morgan couldn't care less. Morgan lifted him easily and held him out over the pool.

"Help!" Reid shrieked.

Morgan let go.

Reid yelled as he plummeted into the pool. The duck ring made a huge splash, but kept him above water.

"Let me out! Let me out!" Reid yelled. He flailed his water-wing-clad arms and yelled some more.

Prentiss noticed what a girly yell Reid had. She looked down, and saw the bright green noodle in her hands. "Hey, Garcia? What are we doing with these noodles?" she asked.

"Oh, right. Everyone, line up around the pool," Garcia commanded.

The team spread out along the edge and encircled the pool, noodles in hand. They looked down at the frantic Reid-Duckling.

Garcia looked around, giddy with glee. "The game we're about to play is one that I like to call Whack the Duck!"

Everyone laughed and raised their noodles.

Reid began screaming.


	8. Noodle Fight

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

**Warning:** Reid gets hit with foam noodles. A lot.

* * *

><p>Reid screamed and flapped his arms. Foam noodles of all colors slapped the water around him, spraying his goggles and obliterating his vision.<p>

No matter where in the pool he went, Reid was always in range of a noodle. His six teammates were spread out around the pool, armed with foam noodles, courtesy of Garcia's Bags of Wonder.

A blue noodle bonked him in the head.

Reid whimpered. His goggles were fogged up and he couldn't see anything. He didn't even have a chance at dodging.

An orange noodle jabbed at his side and slapped across his head. Reid turned and tried to navigate away from the orange noodle, but his duck costume prevented him from going anywhere fast. The orange noodle swung at his head, knocking Reid backward a little. The same orange noodle poked him in the middle of his back. It didn't really hurt, but it wasn't comfortable, either.

Reid hugged the duck's head for comfort.

Up on deck, Prentiss slapped her green noodle in the water and giggled as Reid tried to defend. She looked over at JJ.

JJ, the owner of the orange noodle, was really going at it. She swung the noodle as if it were a baseball bat, hitting Reid again and again.

"JJ? What are you doing?" Prentiss asked. JJ seemed to be taking this a bit seriously.

"Stress release," JJ replied. She continued slapping the screaming Reid with the orange noodle.

"Okay, then," Prentiss said. She looked around at the other members of the team.

Garcia was squealing with delight, waving the red noodle around in the air before slamming it into the water. She had terrible aim.

Morgan's aim was better. He poked Reid's duck ring in the face, which caused Reid to squeak with alarm and cover the duck's head with his arms.

Hotch seemed to also be getting into the stress release idea. He smacked the blue noodle into the water, over and over. He didn't seem to care whether he hit Reid or not.

Rossi lazily poked the purple noodle into the water, not really aiming for anything.

Prentiss looked at her own green noodle. It was a hollow, foam tube about three or four feet long. She had an idea.

Nonchalantly, Prentiss knelt on the concrete edge of the pool and laid her noodle on the surface of the water. She bent the noodle into a u-shape and stuck her foot in the middle of the noodle, pushing it beneath the surface. From both ends, bubbles rose in streams. When the bubbles trickled to a stop, Prentiss lifted the noodle out of the water, careful to cover both ends with her hands. The noodle was now filled with water.

Still kneeling on the concrete, Prentiss pointed one end of the noodle at the back of Reid's head. She took a deep breath and blew into the other end.

Reid screeched shrilly as the jet of water hit him in the back of his head. "What was that?" he screamed.

"Ooh, good idea," Garcia told Prentiss.

"Nice one!" JJ congratulated her.

"This isn't funny!" yelled Reid.

Morgan laughed. He looked down at his right, where Prentiss was reloading her noodle cannon. Damn, he wished _he'd _thought of that. Well, better late than never. He gave Prentiss a good-natured glare and then grinned. He knelt down next to her and filled his pink noodle with pool water.

"You get him in the back of the head. I'll get him in the front," Morgan told Prentiss. She nodded. They lined up their shots and sprayed.

Two jets of water hit Reid, momentarily shutting him up. He shook his head, spraying water all over the immediate vicinity. He coughed, wiped his goggles, and began screaming louder than ever.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, across the street, an elderly lady sat in her living room. All of the curtains were drawn. A few windows were open, but just a little.<p>

Lizzie Porter was faced with a dilemma. She hated dilemmas. As soon as you were happy, they marched along to ruin everything.

She didn't know what she should do. Most of the houses in the immediate area were empty at the moment, due to their owners going on vacations. Lizzie was all alone in her house, except for a bunny rabbit she had named Arthur, after her late husband. Lizzie shuffled over to Arthur's cage.

"Oh, what do I do?" she asked Arthur. Arthur was sleeping; he didn't do much else.

Lizzie shuffled back over to her sofa and slowly sat down. Should she meddle? Should she wait? Lizzie knew that in the old days, she had a frightful reputation for interfering in other people's business. Was she worrying about nothing?

No, Lizzie decided. She should tell somebody. Somebody needed to know. Besides, she was a bit lonely today.

Lizzie thought about who she could tell. Both of her neighbors were on vacation. Then she thought of the nice lady, Jenny, across the street. Lizzie had never called her JJ, as she had asked so many times. Lizzie called her Jenny, because as it was Lizzie's daughter's name, it was easy to remember. Jenny from across the street was an FBI agent, Lizzie knew. If anyone could help, Jenny could.

Lizzie almost got up to put her shoes on, but then she remembered that it was Saturday. On the Saturdays that Jenny wasn't at work, she and Will went on outings with their son, oh, what was his name? Harold? No, Hector. That was it. Hector. Jenny would not be home today.

Lizzie was almost at the end of her rope. What could she do? She had to tell someone.

She looked over and saw the telephone. Lizzie didn't like resorting to this, but she would if she had to. She picked up the big receiver, carefully punched in the number, and waited for an answer. As she waited, she tangled her fingers in the curly phone cord. Finally, there was an answer.

"Nine, one, one. What's your emergency?"

"Oh, uh… um…"

The person on the other end sighed. "Hi, Lizzie. What's wrong?"

"You're not Janice. I want to talk to Janice. Is Janice there?"

"No, Lizzie. I'm sorry, she went on vacation. Can I help you?"

"Janice didn't tell me she was taking a vacation! When did she leave?" Lizzie was miffed.

"Just after you called, yesterday."

"Oh. Who are you, then?"

"My name is Polly. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Fine, then, Polly. Yes, there is."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a lot of screaming in the neighborhood. It sounds like it might be a little girl," Lizzie whispered.

"I'll send a squad car over to check it out, okay, Lizzie?"

"Yes, thank you, Polly."

Polly hung up. Lizzie set the big telephone down on its hook.

She sat on the couch, watching Arthur, and listening.

The screaming didn't stop.


	9. Giddyup, Noodle

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

* * *

><p>Reid's screams became garbled as Garcia shot water into his mouth with her foam noodle. He coughed and spat out pool water. He took a deep breath to begin screaming again, but the wind was knocked out of him by a jet of water and a slap from Prentiss' noodle. He whimpered and flailed his arms, the yellow water-wings making bright yellow arcs through the air.<p>

He had endured this humiliation for upwards of ten minutes now. No longer! Reid resolved to take matters into his own hands.

"Leave me alone," he whined. A noodle smacked into the back of his head.

Oh, well. So much for being assertive.

Reid resumed screaming.

Rossi yawned and left the edge of the pool for his lounge chair.

"Hey," Hotch said. "What are you doing?"

"I need a break. My sugar high wore off," Rossi replied. He produced his wineglasses and kidnapped several liters of soda.

Hotch stared at Rossi. He hadn't even been aware that Rossi was on a sugar rush. He shrugged and went back to smacking Reid with the blue foam noodle. He filled it up and shot a jet of water at Reid's head.

Reid shrieked and waved his arms helplessly.

Prentiss and Morgan had momentarily called a truce on their good-natured rivalry and were teaming up against poor little Reid. They filled up their noodles and aimed.

"Ready?" Morgan asked.

"Duh," Prentiss said.

"Okay, then. Fire!" Morgan gave the command. Two jets of water splashed into Reid's face.

"I want to be the one to call 'fire' next time. You've done it for the last, like, ten times!" Prentiss complained.

"Fine, go ahead," Morgan said. He held up his hands in mock surrender.

"You had better let me," growled Prentiss.

"Yes, ma'am," Morgan said.

"Alright, my delicious little chickens," Garcia announced. "It's time for our next game."

Prentiss, Morgan, JJ, and Hotch ceased fire.

Reid stopped screaming and looked up hopefully. "Is it time for a snack break?" he asked.

Garcia ignored him. "Our new game is called Cavalry, and if you don't cooperate, I will annihilate your very existence." She bent over and rummaged through her Bags of Wonder.

Prentiss looked at JJ. "What's 'Cavalry'?" she whispered.

JJ looked scared. "I don't know. I'm more worried about why she thinks we won't cooperate."

"Hey, Reid," Morgan called.

"Yeah?"

"What's 'Cavalry'?" Morgan asked.

"A cavalry is a military unit that serves on horseback," Reid replied.

"Yeah… see, kid, we don't have any horses here, so that doesn't really help."

"Sorry," Reid mumbled.

"Actually," Garcia said, straightening up, "we do have horsies."

"Garcia," Hotch said in a warning tone. "You don't have horses in those bags, do you?"

"No, sillies! Of course not! Whatever would give you that idea?" Garcia looked around, smiling insanely.

"But… never mind," Morgan started, but then thought better of it.

"But you said we have horses," Reid piped up.

Morgan rolled his eyes. When was that kid going to learn that you don't feed the dragon?

"Why, yes! I suppose I did say that, now didn't I?" Garcia laughed and clapped her hands.

JJ stood by her lounge chair, feeling rather stupid. Garcia was fishing for someone to say the right thing, JJ knew. JJ also knew that to stop this crazy woman, she needed to figure out what it was that Garcia wanted asked, and then keep Reid from asking it.

"So… where are said horses?" Reid asked.

Garcia shrieked with insane laughter.

JJ sighed and face palmed. Damn you, Reid, she thought.

"Look, can we just play the stupid game?" Prentiss said. She was getting annoyed with all of this drama. Anyway, she was in a wet swimming suit, and even under such a hot sun, she was feeling chilly.

"Stop it, Emily! You're ruining it!" Garcia whined.

"Okay, okay, just get on with it," Prentiss said.

"Fine. We already have our horsies! Well, except for Reid. Here you go, honey!" Garcia handed Reid his yellow noodle.

"Noodles?" Morgan asked. "Noodles are suddenly horses?"

"Yup! Reid will demonstrate, won't you, sweetie?" Garcia leered at him.

"Yes, ma'am!" Reid squeaked. He slipped one leg over the noodle and sat in the middle.

"More drama!" Garcia ordered.

Reid bobbed up and down. He reached around the duck head for the 'horse' head.

Garcia glared. "Annihilation of your very existence," she hissed.

Reid gulped. "Giddy-up," he said weakly.

"Good boy," Garcia crooned. "See? These fine horsies-" she indicated the noodles- "are going to assist us in battle!"

"Battle?" Morgan echoed. He stared at his pink noodle.

"Yes, lovelies, battle! You, Emily, have already figured out the cannon technique that the battle will consist of. Reid, show us that, as well."

Reid dipped down into the water as far as his duck ring would allow. The yellow noodle filled up with water. He reached behind him and grabbed the back end of the noodle, which he used to aim at Hotch's empty lounge chair. Reid took a deep breath and blew into the front end of the noodle.

_Splash!_

"Augh!" Rossi yelled. He tore off his dripping sunglasses and searched wildly for the offending team member. He glared at Reid. "_You,_" he hissed.

Reid held up his hands in surrender. "I'm sorry, sir, but I meant to hit Hotch's chair because it was empty but I have really bad aim and you look really angry!" Reid babbled.

Rossi narrowed his eyes and growled.

JJ and Prentiss were giggling uncontrollably.

"Honestly, what are the chances of that?" Prentiss asked JJ.

"With Reid controlling the shot, I'm surprised he managed to hit anything on that side of the pool!" JJ laughed.

Rossi's death gaze flicked over to Prentiss and JJ. The two straightened up and stifled their laughing fit.

"Now, Garcia," Rossi said. "Are we or are we not going to play this game of yours?"

"We are, but we need to know the rules first!" Garcia was completely unfazed by Rossi's glare.

"Now, children, I do hope you understand that there are hardly any rules. No, Reid, there is no referee in this game, so don't even ask. Everyone gets one noodle as a weapon, and that's it," Garcia explained.

"I'm hungry," Reid whimpered.

Garcia ignored him. "In order to play this game, we all need to have the same equipment. Now, remember, if you don't cooperate, you know what will happen," Garcia warned.

JJ was confused and worried. "But why does she think we won't cooperate?" JJ asked Prentiss.

Garcia held up her hand. Fanned out were six thin, rectangular packages, each containing an animal-themed inflatable pool ring and water-wings.

"Oh," said JJ.

"That's why," Prentiss said.


	10. Animal Costumes

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

There will be no updates for the next two weeks due to a vacation with no internet connection. Sorry!

* * *

><p>"I picked out each one especially for each of you!" Garcia crowed. She waved the thin packages around in the air. She stalked toward JJ.<p>

JJ leaned back subconsciously.

"I matched your noodles to the colors of the animals, too!" Garcia continued.

Morgan glanced at his pink noodle. A pink animal? This could not be a good sign.

Garcia walked slowly across the concrete, letting each step slap loudly in the terrified silence. She stopped in front of JJ.

"This one is for _you_!" Garcia told JJ, pinching her cheek. She grabbed JJ's hand, pried it open, and shoved a rectangular package into it. Garcia gently closed JJ's fingers around the plastic-wrapped rectangle.

JJ stood silently, waiting for Garcia to move on to her next victim.

Garcia tapped her foot. "Well?" she asked.

JJ shuddered. Clearly, Garcia wanted to see each victim suffer before moving on to the next one.

JJ picked at the plastic packaging. She tore it off nervously.

Garcia hovered, waiting.

Three pieces of orange plastic tumbled out of the packaging into JJ's hand. JJ pulled at the largest chunk of plastic, unfolding it. It was an inflatable pool ring, frighteningly orange, to match JJ's noodle.

The air was filled with insane tension. JJ prayed for Garcia to at least blink. This was really creeping her out.

The bulge on one end of the ring was an animal's head, of course, and JJ straightened the bulge to make out the face.

"A puppy," JJ said, smiling nervously. "Thank you."

Garcia scowled and snatched the ring out of JJ's hands. She whacked poor JJ over the head with it before giving it back. "It's a fox, JJ. Get it right!" Garcia complained.

"Thank you for the fox, Garcia," JJ whispered, terrified. "It's very nice."

"Aw, you're welcome, darlin'!" Garcia smiled. Her tone had changed from dangerous to sunny. The smile suddenly dropped from her face as she pushed an air pump at JJ. "Now, put it on."

"Okay." JJ complied. She stepped into the middle of the ring, wriggled it up to her waist, and opened the air valve. She filled it up with air as quickly as she possibly could.

She couldn't help but notice that Reid was smirking at her from the pool. JJ glared and stuck out her tongue. Reid's eyes opened wide with fright and he scooted toward the other side of the pool, the duck costume and noodle bobbing comically. That's right, JJ thought. Run away, Reid, run while you still can.

As JJ slipped her water-wings on, Garcia nodded her approval. "You can handle the rest," she told JJ. It was more of a warning than a comment.

Garcia moved on to her next victim. She wheeled about aimlessly for a moment, making everyone nervous. Then, she decided on her next target. She stalked toward Prentiss.

Prentiss looked around, hoping someone would help her. Then, she realized that she didn't need anybody's help; she wasn't as pathetic as Reid. She wouldn't just wait for someone to build up the courage to save her from Garcia. Prentiss would build up that courage herself. Maybe she could jump the fence…

"Hi, there!" Garcia grinned.

Too late. Prentiss gulped and turned to face her fate.

Garcia noticed the thoughts of escape written on Prentiss' expression.

"Annihilation of your very existence," Garcia hissed. She poked a slim package into Prentiss' hand.

Prentiss was determined to minimize the drama. She didn't want to be everyone's focus of attention, not like this. She snatched up the package and tore off the plastic wrapping. She grabbed the largest piece of plastic and unfolded it. It was the green color of a highlighter. It matched her noodle perfectly. She pulled at the animal face, careful to analyze it correctly.

"Thank you, Garcia," Prentiss smiled. "It's a frog."

"Good girl!" Garcia beamed. She patted Prentiss over the head. She gave her a different air pump and moved on to the next target.

Garcia had wanted to give Morgan his present next, but Morgan had nonchalantly inched his way around the cement so that he was the farthest from her. She sighed and resigned herself to changing the order of her torture. She grinned evilly as she realized that the next victim was Hotch.

Hotch found himself backing away.

Next to him, Rossi chuckled softly. "Scared?" he jibed.

Hotch glared at Rossi. He stood still and waited. Hotch turned his blue foam noodle over in his hands. What animals were blue?

Garcia pressed a package into Hotch's hands. He opened it carefully and extracted the largest of the three bright blue plastic chunks. He unfolded it and stared at the bright blue smiling animal face. What the…?

"Um…" Hotch said. "How… nice."

Garcia waited. She raised an eyebrow.

Hotch cringed. He needed to stop being scared of this woman; he felt like Reid. But still… no animal could possibly naturally be this unearthly blue.

"It's a cow," Hotch said. "A blue cow."

Garcia grinned. "Yes! A cute little blue moo-cow!" She did a little dance.

Hotch couldn't help it. He was scared. Why was he suddenly scared of the women on his team? It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense anymore, especially not this hideously bright 'moo-cow' costume.

Garcia glared at him. Hotch paled and stepped into the pool ring. She left him with yet another air pump. Garcia went off to scout out her next target.

Rossi had slipped over to Morgan during Hotch's moo-cow humiliation. Morgan stepped behind Rossi. Rossi frowned and stepped behind Morgan. Morgan stepped behind Rossi again.

Garcia saw them and started walking toward them, a feral grin on her face.

Rossi pushed his way behind Morgan.

"Get out of the way, man!" Morgan hissed. He pushed Rossi in front of him. Rossi scowled and ducked behind Morgan. Morgan went to shove Rossi in front of him, but it was too late; Garcia had given him a thin plastic package.

Morgan gulped. He held his pink noodle in the crook of his arm and tore open the package. Fluorescently pink plastic poured out. He groaned. Why pink? Why? Wasn't he supposed to be manly?

Morgan bent to pick up the largest piece of plastic. He shook it to unfold it and pulled at the animal face.

"Really, Garcia?" Morgan asked.

Garcia pouted. Her eyes went wide and her voice went high. "Don't you like it?"

"Baby girl, it's from you, so I love it," Morgan assured her. "It's just that it's…"

"A pig!" Garcia finished for him. She bounced. "Pigs are so cute!"

"Well, that explains why she likes Morgan," Prentiss whispered to JJ.

"Ha! Burn!" JJ giggled. She high-fived Prentiss.

Morgan reluctantly pulled on the ring, smiling encouragingly at Garcia the entire time.

"See?" Morgan said. "I absolutely love it." He didn't really. But if Garcia didn't think her gifts were well-received, there was no telling what she might do. Morgan would rather suck up to her than face her wrath.

Garcia left him to put on his pink water-wings and gave him another air pump. She slid up to Rossi, who was cowering under one of the willow trees.

"A present for you, good sir," Garcia smiled. She gave him the second-to-last package.

"Um… er… thank you," Rossi said. He accepted the gift. Garcia watched him with glee as he ripped the plastic packaging off the pool ring and water-wings. Everything was bright purple, to match his foam noodle. Rossi straightened out its face.

"It's a horse, right?" Rossi said hopefully, even though he knew that it was most definitely not a horse. Please don't be what I think you are, he thought to the pool ring.

"No, Rossi, it's not a horse. You know very well what it is!" Garcia told him. She tapped her foot and pouted.

"It's a wonderful… um…" Rossi couldn't quite bring himself to say the word. He took a deep breath and gathered his courage. "Unicorn," he finished.

Garcia clapped. She handed him an air pump and skipped over to her lounge chair.

"What's yours?" Prentiss asked, indicating the last package.

Garcia grinned and opened her own gift. She held up the red plastic ring for all to see. "A kitty cat!"

JJ groaned. "Why are you the only one to get a normal animal?" She asked.

"Hey!" Morgan said. "You're not the one that has to wear a pig!"

Garcia glared at him.

"Er… A wonderful, pretty pig," Morgan corrected.

Garcia nodded in approval. "Okay, everyone! Grab your horsie-noodle-cannons and get in the pool!"

"Finally!" Prentiss exclaimed. She was freezing out in the air, and the pool water felt like bathwater.

Everyone slid into the pool.

"Are we splitting into teams for this?" Morgan asked Garcia. "Because if we are, then I call Emily to be on my team." He had learned his lesson well.

"So do I!" Hotch was quick to raise his hand. Rossi followed suit.

Garcia thought for a moment. "Mmm, no, I think I'd rather have this be more of a desperate, violent, free-for-all," she decided.

Prentiss turned and aimed her cannon at Morgan, grinning with malice.

"Whoa!" Morgan put up his hands. "Even if we aren't on a team, can't we at least work together somewhat?"

Prentiss thought about that. "Actually," she said, "No offense, but I think I'd have more fun beating you up than working together."

Morgan backed away.

"Alright, my sweet little animals," Garcia announced. "Let the game begin!"


	11. Violent Game of Cavalry

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Author's Note: Hello! I have returned. Thank you all for your reviews! Suggestions for the story are welcome. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>Morgan was going to die. He just knew it. How a nice, sunny, slightly scary pool party at JJ's had turned into a battle between life and death was beyond him, but he did know that it was somehow all Prentiss' fault.<p>

A few moments earlier, Prentiss and Morgan had been beating up on each other with their green and pink foam noodle cannons. Though Morgan would never admit it, Prentiss was clearly winning. She shrieked with insane laughter that was scary enough to rival Garcia's patented cackles.

Jet after jet of water had been blasting in Morgan's face, giving him no time to recover or even load his cannon. So when he saw Prentiss blowing into her cannon, about to fire at him again, he did the first thing that came to mind. Morgan had grabbed the end of the green noodle that was aimed at him and had clamped his mouth over it.

Which turned out to be one of the most incredibly stupid ideas of his lifetime.

Morgan's only option was to continue blowing into the noodle, or else a jet of water would blast into his mouth.

Prentiss and Morgan were locked in an epic battle of lung power, each blowing into opposite ends of the same loaded cannon.

Morgan knew that he was going to die. He just couldn't win this fight, not with deranged coworker Prentiss on the other end. How was she doing it? She didn't look faint, or dizzy, or in pain, like he felt.

Morgan was running out of air. He thought of a blast of pool water shooting into his mouth, cringed, and found the strength to keep puffing air into the noodle. He then remembered circular breathing, in which he would inhale through his nose and exhale through his mouth. It didn't sound too difficult. He tried it.

He inhaled through his nose, but that made him stop exhaling. His eyes shot wide open as he realized what was about to happen.

Prentiss saw his lapse of breathing and blew into the cannon as hard as she could.

Morgan shuddered. He didn't want to die like this! Not with Prentiss' triumphant cackles in his ears!

Morgan felt the torrent of water blast into his mouth, slide down his throat, and slosh into his stomach. It was not a pleasant feeling. He coughed and spat water.

"Aw, come on!" Morgan said. "That was not fair!"

"You were the one dumb enough to block a cannon with your mouth," Prentiss retorted, reloading and coming in for a second shot.

Morgan hated to do this, but he felt he had to. He raised both hands in surrender. He reasoned that if he wasn't still recovering from the shot of water to his stomach, he would beat her to a pulp. Probably.

"You're giving up?" Prentiss grinned. She looked delighted.

"I felt the water slide down my throat! Good gravy, give me a break!" Morgan told her.

"Esophagus." Reid entered the conversation, floating lazily on his duck.

"What?" Morgan said, confused.

"You felt it slide down your esophagus, to be precise," Reid corrected.

Morgan narrowed his eyes, then shook his head. He held up his pink noodle cannon. "You want this down your _esophagus_?" he threatened Reid.

Reid pouted. "I was only saying…" he trailed off, floating away nervously.

Meanwhile, Prentiss had slipped around behind Morgan, loaded her cannon, and shot. Water splashed up the back of his head.

Morgan whirled on her. "Did I not just surrender?" he growled.

"Well, yeah, but we're still playing Garcia's free-for-all cavalry game," Prentiss justified. She drifted off to Morgan's right, reloading as she went.

Reid laughed. "Get with the program, Morgan!" he grinned.

Morgan rolled his eyes. He would deal with Prentiss in short order, but first he had to set this kid straight. Morgan whapped Reid upside the head with his pink foam noodle.

"Ow!" Reid whined.

Morgan poked the foam noodle, and experimentally whapped himself with it. "What do you mean, 'ow'?" Morgan asked Reid incredulously.

Reid ignored him, instead fumbling with his yellow noodle, trying his best to load it. When it was fully waterlogged, Reid quickly lifted it out of the water, accidentally spilling all of his ammunition in the process. He dipped it back under the water. He took it out carefully this time, and aimed it at Morgan's face.

"I'll get you for that, Morgan," Reid tried to be threatening. He took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could into his end of the noodle.

Morgan had no reason at all to be worried. Due to Reid's terrible aim, however, Prentiss did.

"I am going to _kill you_," she hissed at Reid, dripping wet.

Morgan laughed hysterically. Prentiss glared at him. He shut up.

Reid screamed and tried to paddle away, but he was no match for an angry Prentiss. Actually, he was no match for a calm, happy Prentiss, either.

But that didn't matter. All Reid knew was that after the next three seconds, he had water in both his ears, up his nose, and his yellow noodle had been stuffed into his mouth.

Reid flailed helplessly. He said something that was muffled and trumpeted by the noodle.

Prentiss pushed her wet hair out of her face and spun around to deal with Morgan.

"What have _I_ done?" Morgan asked her as he saw the bright green noodle aimed at his face. His voice was squeaky.

Prentiss' only answer was an evil cackle. She was getting quite good at that. Morgan thought she must be taking lessons from Garcia.

A blast of water slammed into Morgan's face, igniting the battle once again.

Meanwhile, in the deep end, JJ and Garcia were beating up on Hotch.

"I thought there weren't supposed to be any teams!" Hotch yelped.

JJ and Garcia looked at each other. They shrugged.

"Temporary alliance," JJ said. A jet of water splashed the side of her head.

Hotch had taken advantage of the time given. While JJ and Garcia had been shrugging, he had loaded his cannon and fired. Yes, that fast. Hotch wished Jack was there to see it. Jack would have thought Hotch was so cool…

Garcia shimmied around in her red kitty-cat ring. She loaded her red cannon, while JJ loaded her orange one. They aimed their cannons at Hotch and got ready to fire.

"Run, Moo-cow, run!" Garcia crowed.

Hotch was suddenly glad that Jack was not present to see this sad, sad moment. He made a noise that sounded like 'yeep' and retreated. Two streams of water hit the pool just behind him.

"Reload!" Garcia shrieked.

Hotch waddled faster, his moo-cow ring swishing and dragging him back. He dearly hoped that Will and Kevin could keep Jack and Henry from getting home any time soon.

Off in a quiet area of the deep end, Rossi watched the chaos of Garcia's evil Cavalry game. He bobbed up and down in his purple unicorn ring and noodle. It was peaceful to just sit atop his unicorn and oversee the battles.

He ran his hand over the unicorn's horn, wondering if it would be any good as a bayonet. The soft, inflated plastic bent under his hand. It would be no use to try to stab somebody with that.

Rossi watched as Hotch was cornered by Garcia and JJ. Prentiss had just finished going postal on Reid. He smiled. Oh, to be young again…

Actually, he wasn't all that old. He just liked to pretend to be so that he could get senior discounts and such. It made a good excuse to sit out of this violent fray.

Rossi bobbed along the edge of the pool.

"Good girl, Betsie," he murmured to the unicorn.

Rossi smiled again. Betsie the Unicorn carried him around the deep end. His friends/coworkers were beating each other up with foam noodle cannons. Now, if he only had a good cocktail, life would be absolutely perfect…


	12. Come Along, Betsie

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Author's Note: Thanks to all who review! If you have any suggestions or things that you'd really like to see, I'd love to hear them!

* * *

><p>"Rossi, damn you, help me!" Hotch shouted. He put his arms up to defend against the attacks of JJ and Garcia.<p>

Rossi chuckled quietly. He shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry, Hotch. Don't you know the rules? No teams."

Hotch gestured wildly at JJ and Garcia, who were blasting him with their cannons. "No teams? Look what they're doing to me! Damn it, Dave, get off your high unicorn and help me!"

Rossi laughed at the wordplay, but continued his leisurely float across the deep end.

"Dave!" Hotch sounded desperate.

Oh, what fun. Rossi patted Betsie's soft plastic mane. "Good girl, Bestie. Good girl," Rossi muttered. Nobody would be able to hear him over the racket that Prentiss was making in the shallow end.

"Take that!" Prentiss shrieked, hitting Morgan square in the face with a well-aimed blast.

Morgan garbled his words of threatened revenge. He aimed his cannon at Prentiss' face, but she yanked it out of his grasp and held it high over her head.

"Want your cannon, little pig?" she taunted.

Morgan lunged at her. He knew she would never be able to dodge him. He was like an oncoming train; powerful, unstoppable. Yes, this was Morgan at his finest, reasserting himself as the alpha.

Prentiss had counted on this, however. She leapt backward, hitting the pool wall. She backed up against it and kicked off, a human torpedo zooming straight for Morgan's stomach.

Thunk.

Prentiss collided with Morgan. Winded, Morgan staggered sideways. He seemed to be in shock.

Prentiss giggled with glee and began skipping across the shallow end, waving Morgan's bright pink cannon over her head.

Morgan, recovering, squinted at his noodle cannon.

"Gimme that," Morgan mumbled thickly.

"Here, pig-pig-piggy!" Prentiss called.

Morgan shuddered. Prentiss was still alpha, not him. He needed to pull his act together. But for now, his only option was to trail around the shallow end, following Prentiss and his neon pink foam noodle.

"Yee-hee-hee!" Garcia laughed.

JJ looked at her. "What was that?" She reloaded and shot again at Hotch, who was practically begging for mercy.

"That was my new and improved evil/insane laugh! Few who hear it live to tell the tale!" Garcia happily blasted Hotch in the face.

"Okay, then," JJ said. She inched away from Garcia.

Reid couldn't see, hear, smell, or talk. His goggles were fogged up and half filled with pool water. The water had chlorine in it, which made his eyes itchy. His ears both had water in them, which made his head feel like it was full of pudding. He couldn't smell because his sinuses had been scoured with pool water. He couldn't talk or cry for help because his yellow foam noodle had been shoved into his mouth, courtesy of Prentiss.

He flailed his arms weakly. Nobody took notice, at least that's what he assumed, because no one came to his rescue, but he couldn't really tell, what with his senses being somewhat clogged at the moment. He whined. The sound got muffled by the noodle projecting from his mouth. He took a deep breath and decided to use his brain.

Reid sank low in his duck ring. His feet touched the pool floor, and he figured that he was just about where the shallow end merged with the deep end. He decided that the first thing he should do was get his ears cleared up. That way, he would be able to steer clear of any violent battles based on the noise they made.

He whacked his head and rubbed his ears. His right ear opened up first, followed by his left. Reid listened for the sound of his shockingly violent teammates. He heard Prentiss taunting Morgan. Fortunately, she was ignoring Reid for the moment. Far off to his left, he heard what sounded like Hotch begging for his life. Creepy laughter followed.

Reid shook his head, glad that he could hear, and decided to do a depth check before clearing out his goggles. He sank low again, but couldn't find the pool floor. He must have drifted into the deep end. No worries; he had his duck pool ring and water-wings.

Reid felt like he was going to sneeze. He decided to hold it in, because if the sound drew Prentiss' attention, he was probably doomed. Reid stifled the sneeze, which was difficult due to the fact that his mouth was propped open by the noodle, but he managed. His ears popped. Watery mucus poured down the back of his throat.

Grimacing, Reid swallowed the mucus. Eew. But at least he could smell again.

Reid's duck ring jolted him as it bumped into another ring.

"Whoa, Betsie," he heard a voice say. The voice was too quiet to identify.

Reid whimpered, afraid it would be Prentiss.

"Need any help?" The voice was louder now, and Reid recognized it as Rossi's. Good, at least it wasn't Prentiss. But then Reid remembered the murderous expression Rossi had held after Reid had accidentally blasted him with water earlier.

Reid squirmed in his ring, about to flee.

Rossi grabbed Reid by what could only be called the scruff of his neck and dragged him back toward Rossi.

"Hold still," Rossi told Reid.

Reid whined. He didn't want to hold still so that Rossi could dissect him and eat his remains.

Rossi pulled the yellow foam noodle out of Reid's mouth. Reid gagged and waggled his tongue. Rossi handed Reid the noodle, and Reid pushed it under the water to help support him. He cleared out his goggles and put them back on.

"What happened to you?" Rossi asked, amused. Of course, Rossi already knew what had happened, but he chose not to tell Reid that.

Reid grumbled something, looking down at his feet beneath the water.

"Didn't catch that," Rossi said.

Reid sighed. "Prentiss happened." He pointed in the direction of Prentiss, who had just been tackled by Morgan.

Rossi and Reid watched as Morgan dragged his pink noodle from Prentiss' grasp and did a little victory dance with it. Prentiss emerged from the water, spitting mad, and lunged at Morgan. Morgan yelped. He turned tail and ran as best he could. Prentiss chased him in murderous pursuit.

"Yeah," Rossi said. "I can see that."

Reid and Rossi floated, watching as Morgan got slammed down. Prentiss laughed and sat on him, holding him down in the water. Morgan threw her off and stood up, looking remarkably creepy in his pink pig ring.

He splashed toward Prentiss, who took him down with a flying tackle.

"Do you think we should help him?" Reid asked.

"Nah," Rossi said.

"Why not?" Reid looked at Rossi, who was trying to appear manly and majestic astride his unicorn ring and noodle.

"Well, when it comes to tackling, the fight becomes Morgan's football training against Prentiss' insanity. Morgan is doomed, and so are all who choose to help him," Rossi explained.

"I hear you on that one," Reid said.

"Come along, Betsie. We're through here," Rossi said.

Reid looked at him oddly. Had Rossi just called him Betsie?

Rossi turned away from the fight and began to sail across the deep end, with the lowering sun at his back.


	13. Meanwhile

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Author's Note: Sorry about the lapse in updates yesterday.

* * *

><p>Officer James Walden pushed open the doors to the break room. His friend, Officer Daniel Thomas, was already there, eating a very late lunch.<p>

Walden went straight to the fridge, looking for something edible. He pulled out some macaroni and popped it in the microwave.

Thomas was wolfing down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He had another sandwich, potato chips, two peaches, a bag of jelly beans, and a whole bunch of other stuff in his lunch bags. Walden shook his head. Thomas always amazed him with the amount he could eat. Thomas was the skinniest twig of a guy he had ever met, but could eat for breakfast enough for an army three times over.

Thomas swallowed. "Did Bunny Lady call today?"

"Yeah," Walden said. "Polly said it might be important this time."

Polly was one of their two dispatchers. Janice had gone on vacation the day before.

"No kidding?" Thomas looked surprised. "What is it this time, more tornadoes?"

A week previously, Bunny Lady had called the police to alert them of a tornado in the neighborhood. It turned out that she had left the washing machine running and mistook the noise for a natural disaster.

"Nah, a little girl screaming." The microwave dinged. Walden extracted his macaroni. He opened the nearest cabinet, looking for silverware.

"Oh. Think it might be real?" Thomas began working on his second sandwich.

"I don't know," Walden replied. He looked through the cabinet.

The cabinet contained paper plates, napkins, and a package of plastic sporks. Recently, the Break Room Committee had decided to invest in sporks rather than keep the place stocked with both spoons and forks. Their decision was partly based upon the relative cheapness of sporks, but mostly it was because the Committee members just liked to say the word 'spork'. Walden hated the damn sporks. They were useless as forks, due to the flimsiness that couldn't stab anything well. The tines of the fork part extended just far enough into the spoon part so as to render it useless as a spoon, as well.

He pulled out the package of sporks and tossed it into the garbage.

"Hey!" Thomas objected. "I like sporks!"

Walden glared at him. "I'd rather use a straw than a damn spork." True to his word, Walden grabbed a straw from the next cabinet and began stabbing his macaroni with it.

They ate in silence for a few minutes. When Walden was finished, he washed up the macaroni container and put it next to the sink. Thomas was still working on his potato chips.

"Want to go do a drive-by and check it out?" Walden asked.

"Check what out?"

"The screams."

"Yeah, just let me finish eating." Thomas gestured at his lunch spread.

"Come on, that's going to take you all day!" Walden complained. "Just bring it in the car."

Thomas stood up and crammed his food back into his three lunch bags. "Let's go."

As they walked out of the break room, Thomas dropped a spork down the back of Walden's shirt.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the park, Will and Kevin watched in horror. Children these days were downright bloodthirsty.<p>

"Hurry up!" yelled Jack. He shifted from foot to foot.

"How come we're doing this?" Henry asked. They both were standing in the middle of the grassy recreation area.

"Good question," muttered Will.

Jack sighed dramatically. "Well, you can't be my most esteemed loyal servant if you don't know how to _joust_!"

Kevin turned to Will on the park bench they sat on. "Do you think we should stop them?"

"Probably," Will replied.

Neither of them moved.

Henry shuffled his feet. "Most esteemed?" he checked.

"Most esteemed," Jack assured him.

"I want a pay raise," Henry sniffed.

"Sure, you got it," Jack said.

"And some gummy bears."

"Well… I'll see what I can do," Jack replied. "Okay?"

"Yeah, I guess," Henry said.

Jack had stolen two trash can lids from the park's trash cans. One he had kept, and one he had given to Henry. They were to be used as shields. The jousting lances were just two really big sticks that Jack had found.

"So what do we do?" Henry asked.

"We charge at each other. If you knock the other person down with your lance, you win. You block with your shield," Jack explained.

"Aren't we supposed to have horses?" Henry pointed out.

Jack narrowed his eyes. Henry was smarter than he appeared to be. Jack would have to accommodate that in his universal domination plans.

"Yeah, but we don't have horses," Jack told him.

Kevin grinned.

"What?" asked Will.

Kevin shook his head. "Nothing. Just something Penelope had in her bags, that's all."

Will frowned. "Sure. Shouldn't they have helmets, too?"

Kevin made a face. "Penelope would kill me if she knew I let her 'Mini Prince Charmings' joust without helmets."

"JJ would flip out, too. I don't think she'd kill me, though. She needs me for free babysitting," Will said.

"Not if the baby in question got a lance through his skull," Kevin pointed out.

"We don't have any helmets with us," Will reasoned. "Therefore, there is nothing we can do."

"We could stop them from jousting altogether," Kevin suggested.

"I don't know. I kind of want to see how this turns out," Will said.

"Well, I hope that neither one of them gets a trip to the emergency room," Kevin said. "Penelope would kill me for that too, and then JJ would start in."

Will shrugged. "What they don't know won't hurt them."

Kevin grinned. "I like your philosophy."

They sat in silence for a moment, watching the boys walk to opposite ends of the green space.

"I love how responsible we are," Kevin observed.

"Go Henry! Knock his socks off!" yelled Will. Henry smiled and waved.

Jack looked pointedly at Kevin.

"Go Jack! Smash his head in! Except don't really!" yelled Kevin.

Jack grinned and bowed.

Both boys picked up their lances and pointed them at each other.

"Ready?" Jack called to Henry.

"Yeah!" Henry replied.

"Let's GO!" Jack screeched.

Jack and Henry charged each other.

The jousting match of the century had begun.


	14. Let's Attack Reid

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Author's Note: I promise the police will show up next chapter! I meant for them to show up in this one, but then it got too long...

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><p>Prentiss gave Morgan a solid whack with her green noodle. She laughed maniacally.<p>

"Oh, you think that's funny, do ya?" Morgan growled.

"Yeah, I really think I do," Prentiss told him. She kicked him in the shin. Morgan bent over to tend to it, hissing curses. While he was down, Prentiss flew at him and sent him splashing down.

"Good gracious me," Garcia said to JJ. "Prentiss is really killing Morgan today, isn't she?"

"He never should have challenged her in the first place," JJ replied. She reloaded and blasted Hotch with her noodle cannon.

Hotch was actually whimpering. He groaned inwardly. Honestly, he was getting to be as pathetic as Reid!

Thinking of which, where was Reid, anyway?

Hotch looked around wildly. If he could just maybe hint to Garcia that Reid was floating around unassaulted, he could take down JJ himself and make his grand escape! Oh, yes, Hotch was a formidable strategist today.

Hotch spotted Reid floating around the deep end, just a few feet away.

"Hey, look, there's Reid!" Hotch told Garcia and JJ.

"So?" Garcia asked. She shot him with her red noodle. "Yee-hee-hee!" she laughed.

Hotch wiped the water out of his eyes. "So, he isn't shooting at anyone or being shot at! And isn't that the point of the game?"

"Huh, you're right," Garcia conceded. She turned to JJ. "Go take care of that, will you?"

Hotch paled. Oh, God, he couldn't be left with Garcia!

"Actually," Hotch said, "I think it might be better if Garcia went off to take care of Reid." He smiled, and tried not to look conspiratorial.

Garcia seemed to think about this for a moment. She smiled slowly.

Nonchalantly, Garcia turned to face JJ. "JJ, honey, take a sniff. What do you smell?"

JJ was confused. She obediently sniffed. "Chlorine?"

"Anything else?" Garcia asked. Her voice was dangerously soft and melodic. JJ shuddered. Where was this going?

JJ shook her head in reply.

"No matter. I guess you just don't have the nose for it. But I do, and guess what I smell?" Garcia leered.

"What?" JJ said.

"The air just reeks of an escape plan brewing, and it's coming from over _there_!" Garcia jabbed a finger to where Hotch had been cowering.

But he was no longer there. Hotch had had the good sense to bolt.

"How dare he!" Garcia shrieked. "He deprived me of my dramatic ending!"

"Uh-huh," JJ agreed.

Garcia curled her hand into a fist and narrowed her eyes. "And for that, he must die!" she hissed.

"Yup," JJ said. She backed away towards Reid. Garcia won't turn her rage onto me if I am busy attacking Reid, JJ reasoned.

JJ spun around with her fox pool ring and headed for Reid. Reid was looking off to his right, staring at Rossi with a concerned look on his face.

JJ gently poked Reid in the back of the head with her orange noodle.

"Ow," Reid sniffled. He turned to look at her. "JJ?" he said with surprise. "Not you, too!" He looked about to cry. "But we're friends!"

"I know, but Garcia's mad, and this is self-preservation we're dealing with, not snack time," JJ told him apologetically.

"Snack time," Reid echoed wistfully. He subconsciously rubbed his 'tummy'.

"So… Look. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to attack you now," JJ said. She looked over her shoulder at Garcia, who was milling around the deep end, making plans for revenge.

Reid sniffled. "Okay," he said. He braced himself for the attack, which meant cringing and trying to hide behind the head of his duck pool ring.

"Um… Aren't you going to even try to defend yourself?" JJ asked him. She pointed at his yellow foam noodle cannon.

"Oh, right." Reid loaded his cannon and half-heartedly raised it to his mouth.

"Sorry," JJ repeated. She would have to make a show of being occupied by the game in order to escape Garcia's wrath. She loaded her cannon and aimed it at Reid's face. She took a deep breath and blew as hard as she could.

Meanwhile, in the shallow end, Prentiss was beating up on Morgan. Still.

Morgan needed to show her up, needed to reclaim his place as alpha, but damn it all if he wasn't in pain from his scalp to his toes. He decided that he would be able to come back stronger than ever if he just had a little break.

"Come on, Emily, just give me a few minutes here!" Morgan pleaded. He pushed her away from him and raised his hands in surrender.

Prentiss crossed her arms and grinned at him. "Giving up so soon?"

"No, I just need a break. A tiny break. A miniscule rest. Come on, please?" Morgan begged.

Prentiss sighed and shook her head. "And just what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

Morgan shrugged.

"HA, HA, HA! DIE, REID, DIE!"

Prentiss' attention was drawn by JJ's shriek. She spotted JJ beating up on Reid. Her eyes lit up. "That looks like fun!" Prentiss exclaimed. She swam over to JJ and Reid, leaving Morgan forgotten for the moment.

Morgan sighed and sat down on the pool floor. The water came up to his chin. He patted the pig's head and closed his eyes, thoroughly enjoying his rest.

"Dave, you've got to hide me," Hotch told Rossi. He hung on to Rossi's pool ring, eyes wide and haunted.

Rossi swatted Hotch's hands off the unicorn and frowned at him. "Why should I?"

"Dave, please! Garcia's after me!" Hotch hissed. He gestured at Garcia, who was wringing her hands evilly and muttering to herself.

Rossi thought for a moment. "Get me a cocktail."

"What?" Hotch was very confused.

"Get me a cocktail, and I'll distract Garcia for you."

"There's no alcohol here, Dave!"

"Hm, you're right! Guess you're on your own, then," Rossi shrugged.

"No!" Hotch grabbed the unicorn ring and held it in a death grip. "Please!" Hotch begged.

"DIE, REID, DIE!"

Hotch and Rossi were distracted by the demonic yells of JJ and Prentiss as they attacked Reid.

Rossi narrowed his eyes. He noticed the injustices being put on Reid, and his sense of fairness rose within him. Rossi straightened up in his 'saddle'. He sat tall in his seat and tried to look formidable and awesome.

"Come, Betsie," Rossi said majestically. "It is our duty to help the helpless, to right all wrongs. Onward, to certain death!"

Rossi yanked the unicorn from Hotch's grip and kicked off the side of the pool. Rossi sailed to Reid's rescue.

Hotch floated in the deep end for a moment, head tipped to the side, mouth open in shock. What the heck?


	15. Onward, Betsie!

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Author's Note: This was definitely the most fun-to-write chapter yet. I hope you all enjoy! Review please!

* * *

><p>Walden munched on Thomas' bag of jelly beans. Thomas had given up his precious food to Walden to avoid getting smushed into paste for dropping a spork down the back of Walden's shirt.<p>

Thomas and Walden cruised around the Bunny Lady's neighborhood, listening for screams.

"Hear anything yet?" Walden asked Thomas.

From the passenger seat, Thomas scowled and said, "I can't hear a thing with all your crunching and munching. You say I eat a lot, but you eat _loud_."

Walden grinned. He may have been eating a little louder than usual to annoy his partner. "Listen harder. Oh, and open the window."

"Yeah, that might help." Thomas put the window down halfway, reluctant to let out the wonderful air conditioning.

"Hear anything now?" They were approaching the Bunny Lady's house.

"Man, I can't hear nothing but wind," Thomas grumped. He snatched up one of his three lunch bags and rummaged through it. It contained various snack bags and such.

Walden grabbed it back. "Food later. Focus, will you?"

"I told you! I can't hear anything!" Thomas put the window down all the way.

"Here, I'll pull over, and then we'll both take a listen." Walden pulled over and parked next to the curb. The Bunny Lady's house was just across the street. From one of her windows, the Lady herself peered out. Walden gave a little wave.

Both men got out of the squad car and looked around.

"You hearing this?" Thomas asked. He looked unsettled.

"Yeah."

From the house they had parked in front of rose the screams of a little girl.

* * *

><p>Morgan emerged from his little rest to the sound of Reid being attacked again. But that wasn't all. He suddenly realized that a shadow was being cast over him, while the rest of the pool was sunny. Morgan shuddered and slowly turned around.<p>

"Hi, there!" Prentiss said cheerily.

"Yeah? So what do you want?" Morgan swallowed his fear and tried to look tough.

"Morgan, I swear on my mother's pet goldfish that if you don't help us attack Reid, I will end you!" Prentiss declared happily.

"Wait, why do you need someone to help you attack Reid? He's already crying and begging for his life," Morgan said, confused.

Prentiss was suddenly way too close. "Just do it," she hissed, an evil glint in her eye. Then she turned, giggled, and skipped across the pool toward Reid.

Morgan shook his head. "Pet goldfish?" he muttered. He sighed, and began heading for Reid and the fray of teammates that surrounded him.

Hotch stared after Rossi, who had most likely just gone crazy. Or maybe he'd always been that way. Hotch rubbed his eyes and shook his head. He felt a cold hand clasp his arm.

"Wah!" Hotch yelped, yanking his arm back.

"Sorry," JJ said. "Come on." She started to pull him toward the middle of the pool, where Reid was being attacked by Garcia, Prentiss, and even Morgan.

Hotch backed away. "I can't. Garcia's there, and she's still mad at me for ruining her drama."

"She won't hurt you if you look like you're having fun with her game," JJ told him.

Hotch sighed and followed JJ into the assault on Reid.

Reid was screaming, and screaming, and screaming, and screaming…

Rossi sailed toward the mass of teammates atop his unicorn. "Onward, Betsie! Our bravery shall be retold throughout the ages!" Rossi wasn't bothering to whisper anymore. How could he? This was his and Betsie's shining moment!

Rossi leaned back in his 'saddle', which made Betsie rear up. "Whoa, Betsie!" Rossi called. He leaned forward. He narrowed his eyes. This was it. Do or die.

Rossi paddled his legs like he was riding a bicycle, and suddenly he and Betsie were off, sailing right into certain doom.

"YEE-HAW!" Rossi shouted. "Onward, Betsie!"

"Hey!" Garcia stopped blasting Reid to point at Rossi. "He stole my evil/insane laugh!"

Rossi kept straight on.

Hotch, Prentiss, Morgan, Garcia, and JJ were attacking Reid. To perform a rescue would be a dangerous task. But Rossi and Betsie were up to it!

Rossi pushed JJ and Hotch out of his way, swooped in, and grabbed Reid by the scruff of his neck. Rossi dragged Reid through Prentiss and Morgan and burst out of the fray into the shallow end.

"There's only one way out of this mess," Rossi told Reid.

Reid whimpered.

Rossi adjusted his purple noodle so that a lot was sticking out in back.

"Hop on," he told Reid.

Reid held up his yellow noodle. "But I have a horse of my own!"

Rossi leaned in close. "Hop on," he growled.

"Okay!" Reid squeaked. Reid climbed onto the purple noodle behind Rossi. There wasn't much room, considering that both men were wearing inflatable pool rings, but they managed to stay atop the noodle-horse.

Rossi leaned back in his seat, and Betsie reared up. "Come on, Betsie! You can do it, girl!" he howled.

Betsie, Reid, and Rossi began to sail quickly across the shallow end, heading for the stairs.

"THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!" Garcia shrieked. "AFTER THEM!"

Garcia, Morgan, Prentiss, Hotch, and JJ began to swim after them. Rossi and Reid had a head start, but the rest were closing in fast.

"They can't go far," JJ panted. "The backyard is fenced in. The only way out is through the house!"

"Thank you for telling us that, JJ!" Rossi called.

"Damn it!" JJ told herself.

Bestie was having trouble on the stairs. Her riders were at different heights, and she threatened to slip out from underneath them. Rossi and Reid got their act together just in time. "Good girl, Betsie, almost there!" Rossi yelled. In near tandem, Rossi and Reid climbed the stairs, while still managing to stay atop Bestie.

Prentiss had an idea. Instead of going all the way to the stairs to get out, she could just climb out of the pool using one of the walls and head off the escapees that way.

Prentiss swam over to the wall, heaved herself and her froggie ring up onto the concrete, and rolled onto the concrete. She quickly reloaded her canon and aimed it at Rossi. He and Reid had just finished climbing the stairs.

"Stop right there!" she snapped.

"Keep going, Betsie! We can take a shot or two!" Rossi shouted encouragement to his unicorn.

Hotch and Morgan noticed what Prentiss had done and quickly exited the pool in the same fashion. JJ and Garcia took the stairs.

"Surround them!" Hotch commanded.

JJ, Garcia, Morgan, and Hotch paused to load their cannons.

Rossi, Betsie, and Reid were figuring out how to run without falling.

"Right foot, left foot!" Rossi called to Reid.

"Got it!" Reid said.

"Then let's blow this pop stand! Onward, Betsie!" Rossi yelled.

Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. Then faster! Bestie, with Rossi and Reid astride, rambled around the last bend of the pool and headed straight for the back door.

"Hold it or we'll shoot!" Hotch shouted.

The team had surrounded the unicorn and escapees. All pointed their loaded cannons at the unicorn and riders.

"Give it up, Rossi!" Morgan warned.

"Never!" Rossi yelled. "Come on, Betsie! It's too late to turn back now! If we die here, we will go down as heroes!"

Reid was screaming.

Rossi, Reid, and Betsie were gaining momentum now. The team had to run to keep them fully encircled.

"Fire!" Hotch commanded.

_Splash_! _Splash_! _Splash_!

Reid, Rossi, and Betsie were running now. They were barraged by blasts of water from the cannons.

Reid screamed.

Rossi let out a loud war whoop.

They broke through the circle of teammates and nearly ran into a lounge chair.

"GET THEM!" Garcia shrieked.

Rossi laughed. "Ha-HA! We won't fight the doom if that is indeed our fate! But we are legends now! And you cannot-"

And that's when they all noticed the two policemen standing just outside the back door.


	16. Very, Very Awkward

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

* * *

><p>Walden and Thomas sprinted up the driveway to the house. Walden rapped on the door and announced himself. Nobody answered.<p>

"This is creepy," Thomas muttered.

They both could still hear the screams.

Walden tried the door. It was unlocked. He pushed it open as quietly as he could.

The house was cool and dim. The living room window was wide open.

Walden noticed that Thomas was carrying one of his big snack bags from lunch. "What did you bring that for?" he hissed.

Thomas shrugged. "I'm hungry!"

"Focus, Thomas." Walden rolled his eyes. Who brings _snacks_ to a possible crime scene?

"The backyard," Thomas whispered. The screams were coming from behind the house, not from inside it.

Walden nodded. He had come to the same conclusion himself. He led the way through the hallway and kitchen until they reached a sliding glass door which opened to the backyard.

Walden slid it open and stepped silently through it. Thomas slipped out behind him.

"Holy macaroni," Thomas exclaimed quietly.

Walden nodded. There really was no other way to put it.

Five or six adults were running around the backyard, wearing colored, animal-themed inflatable pool rings and water-wings. They held matching foam noodles as though they were weapons. They surrounded two other adults in the same get-up that were, apparently, escaping. One of the encircled men was screaming his head off. The other was spouting lines that sounded like they belonged in old western movies.

Walden quickly gave them all nicknames in his head, to describe them in his report in case they were too delusional to tell him their real names.

He decided on the following: Miss Kitty-Cat, Frog Chick, Fox Chick, Screaming Duckie, Pig Dude, Sir Unicorn, and Mister Moo-cow.

"Give it up, Rossi!" Pig Dude warned.

"Never!" Sir Unicorn yelled. He proceeded to say something long and complicated.

"What did we just walk in on?" Walden murmured.

"Fire!" Mister Moo-cow said. The five adults encircling the renegades blew into their noodles. Blasts of water splashed the escaping duo.

"Maybe we can just turn around, walk away, and act like this never happened?" Thomas suggested.

"Uh, yeah," Walden agreed.

Suddenly, the backyard grew very quiet.

"Too late, they saw us," Thomas whispered.

* * *

><p>Rossi stopped up short. Reid crashed into his back and stopped screaming for a moment.<p>

"Well… This is awkward," Prentiss muttered.

"Hello!" Garcia greeted the policemen brightly.

The skinny one gave a little wave. They both looked terrified.

The backyard fell into silence once again.

"Um…" JJ tried to think of something hostess-y to say. She couldn't come up with anything.

Hotch stepped forward.

* * *

><p>Mister Moo-cow came forward. "What is your business here?" he asked.<p>

Walden couldn't help staring at the blue moo-cow pool ring he wore.

Thomas piped up. "We received complaints of a little girl screaming in the neighborhood," he explained.

Fox Chick sighed. "Lizzie," she said knowingly.

"Yup. Bunny Lady," Thomas agreed.

"So… we have to kind of take down your names and get identification and everything for the report," Walden said. He drew out a notepad and flipped to an empty page. He dug around in his pocket for a pen, finally found one, and poised it against the page expectantly.

Mister Moo-cow nodded. He went over to a lounge chair and pulled something out of a plastic bag. It looked like his wallet. He walked back over to the police officers.

Mister Moo-cow let the wallet-thing fall open. "BAU Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner, FBI."

Walden dropped his pen.

"Good Lord," Thomas muttered.

"Now this is even more awkward," Frog Chick said. She sounded strangely delighted.

"You mean…" Walden stammered. Darn it all, he never stammered! "You… You're an FBI agent?" He looked pointedly at the blue moo-cow pool ring and water-wings.

Mister Moo-cow snapped his identification shut. "Yes." He gestured to the rest of the adults. "And this is my team."

Thomas laughed nervously. "You all belong to the FBI?"

All of the animal pool ring-clad adults nodded.

Sir Unicorn stepped forward. "I am Senior SSA David Rossi," he declared.

Walden scribbled the name down on his notepad. It sounded familiar. He was sure that if he calmed down and thought about it, he could figure out why. For the moment, though, he just really wanted to get out of this mess.

Thomas couldn't help it. He really wanted to poke that unicorn. It looked so cute and squishy. He reached out slowly with a finger and touched it to the unicorn pool ring that 'Senior SSA David Rossi' wore.

Rossi slapped Thomas' wrist. Thomas recoiled.

"Get your hands off of Betsie!" Rossi hissed. He hugged the unicorn protectively and stepped back.

"Sorry, sorry," Thomas apologized.

Mister Moo-cow/Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner motioned for another adult to give the policemen his or her name.

Pig Dude stepped up. "Derek Morgan," he said with a wave. Despite the awkward pig costume, he moved with a confidence that made the entire ensemble very creepy.

"D-E-R-E-K?" asked Walden. Pig Dude nodded. Walden took down the name. God, this was awkward! He'd rather use a spork than be here right now, doing this!

Miss Kitty-Cat walked up next. "Supreme Goddess of all things Technological," she introduced herself.

Walden's pen paused after the first four letters. "What?" he asked, confused.

"Garcia," Mister Moo-cow said in a warning tone.

Miss Kitty-Cat sighed. "You're no fun. Fine. Penelope Garcia."

Walden copied the name.

Thomas elbowed him. "There's an 'e' at the end of 'Penelope', not a 'y'," Thomas told him.

Walden scowled and changed the spelling. "Shut up," he growled to Thomas. Spelling had always been an enemy to Walden, and Thomas knew it. "I've got this," Walden assured himself.

Miss Kitty-Cat/Penelope Garcia skipped over to a lounge chair covered with vivid towels and sank into it.

Fox Chick and Frog Chick came up next.

"Emily Prentiss," Frog Chick said bluntly.

Walden managed to copy down the first name but he got stuck on the last name. Prentiss. How in the heck was that supposed to be spelled?

Walden began to sound it out. "P…." He jotted down a 'P'.

Frog Chick tossed her hair and sighed impatiently. "P-R-E-N-T-I-S-S," she fired.

"Thank you," Walden mumbled gratefully.

Fox Chick said, "Jennifer Jareau."

Walden paused. Good God, was that French? It sounded French. Damn. He could never spell French names.

Thomas sighed, exasperated. He reached for the notepad and pen, but Walden jerked it away. "I've got this!" Walden hissed. He wrote down Fox Chick's first name. He looked up at her.

Fox Chick blinked. She didn't know what he wanted, and he was too embarrassed to ask.

Frog Chick smirked. "J-A-R-E-A-U," she told Walden.

"_Thank_ you!" Walden said.

Frog Chick frowned. "Learn to spell," she said. She and Fox Chick turned and went back to their lounge chairs to chat.

The only one left was Screaming Duckie. He milled around aimlessly, holding his yellow noodle close as though it were a teddy bear.

"Duck! Come here for a minute. We need to get your name," Thomas called.

Screaming Duckie waddled over. "Spencer Reid. R-E-I-D."

"Thank you very much," Walden said. He closed the notepad and pocketed the pen.

Thomas and Walden looked around. All of the adults were watching them very closely.

Walden cleared his throat. "So… since there isn't any problem here, we'll just be going now…"

"Wait!" Screaming Duckie called.

Walden and Thomas turned back towards the backyard.

Screaming Duckie pointed at the snack bag in Thomas' hand.

Reverently, he said, "That.. It can't be! Oh, but it is! Chex Mix!"


	17. Deader Than Dead

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

* * *

><p>"We are so dead," Kevin said. "Dead, dead, deader than dead."<p>

"Kevin, stop it. I'm driving," Will told him.

"Dead, dead, dead!" Kevin continued his mantra.

The van had three rows of seats. Will and Kevin occupied the first row, while Jack and Henry sat in their car seats in the very back.

"We're so dead, dead, utterly, profusely _dead_," Kevin said.

"I know," Will agreed. He directed the car along the pretty park roads. He was going ten under the speed limit, trying to put off the impending doom. But he knew that they would have to go home sometime.

"Dead, dead, dead!" Kevin whispered. He seemed vaguely shell-shocked.

During their jousting match, Jack had bashed Henry in the head with his jousting stick and then proceeded to fall and skin his elbow. Henry had a large scrape across the left side of his head. Jack's elbow had bits of dirt embedded in it and tattered, bloody skin clung to it.

Although both boys had cried a bit when they received their injuries, they both sat in silence now.

Henry sniffled. "Uncle Kevin keeps saying 'dead', Jack. We're gonna die, aren't we?" His voice was small and hoarse.

Jack nodded. He gently touched Henry's 'fatal' injury, then his own.

"Ow," Henry said quietly.

"Sorry," Jack muttered. He fought the tears that were invading his vision.

The silence in the back of the car resumed.

"We'd better plan our funerals," Kevin told Will.

"We should probably be cremated," Will suggested. "Once JJ, Hotch, and Garcia are through with us, there won't be enough left to warrant a casket."

"I don't wanna die, not like that!" Kevin whined. "I'd rather explode or something!"

Will shuddered. "I'd rather be eaten by zombies."

"Yeah? Well, I'd rather get run over by a garbage truck."

"I'd rather get stapled to a lion," Will retorted.

"Stapled to a lion? What?" Kevin looked at Will, concerned. "Maybe you'd better pull over and calm down," he said.

Will pulled the car over and put his face in his hands. "What time is it?" he asked, not bothering to look up.

"Just after four," Kevin replied. "Why? Is it important?"

"JJ is expecting us at four-thirty. It's a forty-minute drive home from here and we're late as it is. If she gets too anxious, she might set up roadblocks and come looking for us. She knows how to do that, you know," Will said quietly.

He sighed, pulled himself together, and put the car back on the road.

"I still don't want to die like that," Kevin said. "What if you drove the car off a cliff?" Kevin reached for the steering wheel.

Will slapped his hand. "Not with my son in the car!" Will growled. "And Jack," he added as an afterthought.

In the back of the car, Jack turned to Henry.

"They were just talking about funerals," Jack reported.

"How come they're not even taking us to the hospital? Is it that bad?" Henry asked. His eyes were large and terrified.

Jack sighed. "I think so." He sniffled.

"So we're going home? Why?" Henry asked.

"I guess…" Jack's voice faltered. He took a deep breath and continued. "I guess it's to say goodbye to our parents," he explained.

Henry settled into his car seat and faced forward, face stony. His nose began to run.

"Okay, how about this," Kevin said. "Henry can wear a hat for the next week."

"And Jack is supposed to wear what, elbow pads?" Will said. He was getting frantic. "That wouldn't fly with Hotch. Anyway, JJ combs Henry's hair every day. She would take the hat off."

"Calm down," Kevin said. "Maybe we can call JJ and tell her that we're just going out for dinner because we're all having so much fun. We can stay the night at a friend's place, get some bandages and first aid cream, catch the next flight to France…"

"No good." Will shook his head. "JJ's grandparents have some relatives in France. They might find us."

"Sweden, then?" Kevin suggested.

"Yeah, yeah! Sweden! What language do they speak there?"

"Uh… Swedish, I think."

"Darn, we don't know any Swedish." Will rapped his fingers against the steering wheel, frustrated.

"I'm sure we could find someone that speaks English, like in hotels and stuff. Anyway, we would learn Swedish soon enough."

"Oh, you're right. Henry and Jack would learn it really fast, because they're still at the language-learning age," Will said. JJ had made him read a lot of books about children and parenting.

"Oh, no! Will, we don't have enough money with us for plane tickets to Sweden!" Kevin realized.

"Trains are cheaper," Will suggested.

"Trains? Will, you want us to take a _train_ across the Atlantic Ocean?"

"Damn, forgot about that."

And so it went in the front seats for the next twenty minutes.

Henry cleared his throat softly. "Jack?"

"Yeah?" Jack wiped away some tears.

"I need a hug."

"So do I." Jack reached over to Henry's car seat and wrapped his arms around the younger boy. Henry did the same.

Henry's nose spouted mucus onto Jack's shoulder. Jack didn't really mind. They would both be dead soon, anyway.

"Henry?" he said quietly.

"Hm?"

"Well… You know, you're like a little brother to me. Sometimes I might act like I don't really like you, but that's just me being an ignorant meanie-head."

Henry tried to giggle, but the sound got garbled in mucus and tears. His nose frothed with bubbly mucus.

Jack smiled and continued. "We've had a lot of good times together. I just wish we could be here to have more. So, you mean a lot to me, Little Buddy."

Henry sobbed. "You're my best friend," he managed to choke out.

Jack hugged Henry tighter. He rocked back and forth, trying to comfort both Henry and himself.

They both cried.

The van turned onto Will's street.

"We could steal the BAU jet," Kevin suggested.

"Hey, yeah! We could- oh, whoa," Will said.

The car coasted to a stop just before their house.

Will and Kevin shared a look of worry.

There was a police car parked at the end of the driveway.

"Oh, Penelope," Kevin whispered. "What have you done?"


	18. Bunch of Crazy People

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

**Author's Note**: Sorry for the wait. I was trying to figure out a way to pull the story back together, and then it came to me...

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>JJ sank into her lounge chair and closed her eyes. She had thought that today would be a nice, relaxing time for the team to chill out. She hadn't at all expected the violent games, colorful costumes, or the sudden insanity. Oh, well, at least the boys come home soon.<p>

The sun was sinking in the sky. JJ frowned. It had to be past four-thirty already. The boys were due to be home by now. This was slightly worrying. Will could be irresponsible sometimes, and Kevin… well, he was just kind of a quirky guy to begin with. Was there some sort of problem?

JJ became aware that Prentiss was talking. She opened one eye and turned toward Prentiss, hoping that she hadn't zoned out of a conversation.

No need to worry; Prentiss was just harassing Morgan again.

JJ settled back into her chair. She laid her arm over her eyes so that she couldn't see the annoyingly bright summer sun through her eyelids. JJ sighed and tried to doze off.

Morgan sat slumped on the edge of his chair, irritated with Prentiss again. Usually, he was a worthy opponent in their little good-natured rivalry, but not today. Today, he was exhausted, humiliated, and all-around confused.

Prentiss poked him in the nose with her green noodle. "You still alive?"

Morgan batted the noodle away. "You won't be in a second," he grumbled.

"Ooh, was that a challenge?" She whacked him soundly across the head.

Morgan groaned and stood up. His muscles had never ached like this, not ever. Standing now, he was taller than her. Morgan tried to look intimidating.

Prentiss would have none of it. "Pink is really your color, isn't it?" she taunted.

Morgan sighed. He gave up. For Pete's sake, did this woman never get tired? "Prentiss. Emily."

"What?" she pouted.

"How are you not, like, collapsed in a heap or something?" Morgan ran a hand over his head.

Prentiss tipped her head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"You've done more running around, more tackling, more fighting than anybody else here today! You've put in a good bit of the evil laughter around here, too. You should be done for. Well, I've done my share of all that today. I'm tired, do you understand? I'm exhausted, is what I'm trying to get across to you, okay?" Morgan pleaded with her.

Prentiss pondered all of that for a moment. Then she smiled. It wasn't a nice smile, either. It was the kind of smile that made you wonder if you should run away or play dead.

Morgan waited for a reply. He suddenly felt uncomfortable.

"So, you're tired?" Prentiss checked.

"Yes, I am tired," Morgan clarified.

"Tired and _weak_?" She smiled some more.

"Uh… yeah?" Morgan suddenly regretted answering that question.

Prentiss giggled. "Easier prey for me, then!"

She attacked him with the green noodle.

Morgan threw his hands over his head. "Not fair, Goddamnit!"

Prentiss laughed. Really, really evilly.

Speaking of evil laughter, Garcia was off at the other end of the yard, practicing hers.

"Yee-hee-hee!" Hm… too old-school. She had used that laugh way too much today, anyway.

"Hrrrrah-snuff-ha-ha!" It was original, but a little too much work.

"Snork-snuffle-periwinkle!" Better. Garcia giggled and clapped her hands. She hopped from one foot to the other, trying out this new laugh over and over. "Snork-snuffle-periwinkle! Snork-snuffle-periwinkle!"

It was simply perfect! But was it complicated enough?

Garcia sank into silent thought. What if somebody tried to steal her awesome new laugh? She would have to make it more complex.

Garcia punched a fist into the air and did her little dance again. She could do it!

"What exactly is she doing?" Walden muttered to Hotch. He and Thomas had 'decided' (been coerced by Garcia) to stay and share a snack. Walden pointed at Garcia to emphasize his question.

Hotch sighed, trying to come up with a good explanation. "It's… just… a thing she does."

"Uh-huh." Walden crammed a fistful of goldfish crackers into his mouth. Those things were addicting! He grabbed some more out of the plastic bowl. He looked around, making sure that _nobody_ saw him consuming large amounts of kid food, not even the crazy old guy in the flower garden.

Rossi sat among the zinnias and marigolds, allowing Betsie to graze. "You did good today, girl," he murmured. Rossi patted Betsie on the head. "We almost escaped good and proper. We would have, too, if it wasn't for those darn authorities. But, hey, we're not being attacked anymore, and the kid is okay. Success! Right, Betsie?" Rossi rambled. He made a whinnying sound as Betsie's reply.

"Oh, hush, Betsie. It wasn't your fault." Rossi petted her plastic mane.

'Betsie' whinnied, discontented.

"How about if I give you an extra apple for supper?" Rossi bribed.

'Betsie' made a purring sound.

"There, see? We're all okay," Rossi said. "All okay," he repeated.

Betsie snuffled and nuzzled his hand.

"I said you'll get an extra apple for supper. I don't have any now." Rossi sighed.

Betsie grumbled something and continued to graze on a flower, which was what unicorns ate.

Thomas sat across from Reid on the concrete, munching on the snacks that JJ had provided while Reid hogged the Chex Mix.

Thomas pointed at Rossi. "Is he okay?"

Reid looked up from his Chex Mix. He followed the direction of Thomas' finger until he saw Rossi. Reid swallowed his mouthful of Chex Mix. "I'm not too worried."

"He's talking to a plastic floatie unicorn," Thomas pointed out.

Reid shrugged.

"And pretending it's talking back to him," Thomas added. "And now he's feeding it flowers. No, now he just ate a flower."

"He's always been a little weird." Reid dove back into his Chex Mix.

Thomas shook his head. These FBI agents were a bunch of weirdos.

Reid was in heaven. He had a new philosophy, too.

Life is a bowl of Chex Mix.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, across the street, Lizzie Porter peered out her front window. She had set up a timeline in her head.<p>

It was almost five in the afternoon, now.

The screams had started shortly after two-thirty. She had reported the sound at just a little before three.

The police had arrived at four. They had not come out yet.

The screams had stopped a few minutes later.

Ten minutes ago, at quarter to five, the van that was usually parked in Jenny's driveway returned to the house, but parked on the street, behind the cop car.

Will and a man Lizzie had never seen before emerged from the car. Little Hector and a boy whom Lizzie had observed over at the house previously but didn't know by name were let out of the back of the car. All four had looked shaken, pale, and tearful.

Had they received devastating news? Lizzie could only speculate.

And now it was five. Six men had entered a house that Lizzie had thought was empty. None had come out.

It all looked very suspicious to Lizzie. She decided that if anything was to be done about the situation, she would have to do it herself.

Lizzie shuffled over to Arthur's cage and gave him a pat. Then she snuggled her feet into a pair of squishy white sneakers and did up the laces with double knots. Double knots were only prudent, given the situation.

Lizzie bent over and reached under the sofa. She grabbed her shotgun and headed for the door. It was up to her to sort this out once and for all.


	19. Disinfectant Cream Woes

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Author's Note: The flowers that Rossi is eating are, in fact, zinnias. Zinnias are edible, just in case anyone was worried about that. Rossi seems to have many problems, but flower poisoning is not currently one of them.

* * *

><p>It was ten to five in the afternoon. Will's hands shook as he tore open a new box of band-aids. If JJ happened to come in the house and see the boys like this…<p>

Will was in the upstairs bathroom. Jack sat on the edge of the bathtub, Henry clinging to him and dripping snot all over the place.

"This is really creeping me out," Kevin said distantly. He was in the hallway, looking out the window down into the backyard.

"Yeah?" Will tried to keep the conversation alive. The prospect of being tortured to death by JJ, Garcia, and Hotch had stunned them into silence.

Will leaned out the door into the hallway. Kevin had the white curtains pulled back and was staring down at the activity below. He looked faintly horrified.

Kevin didn't say anything more. Will frowned and joined him at the windowsill. Nothing much had changed in the last couple minutes. The adults, along with two police officers, were apparently partying while wearing ghastly animal costumes. The officers were lucky enough to escape that last bit, however. Both were snacking their hearts out.

In the bathroom, Henry stirred. He removed his face from Jack's shoulder, leaving strings of mucus trailing from his nose. He sniffled.

"If we're gonna die, how come they're tryin' to fix us up?" Henry asked. He didn't sound skeptical, only confused and forlorn. The snot he had sniffled in slowly dripped back out.

Jack was fascinated by Henry's odd mucus display, but he tore his attention away from his snotty shoulder and answered the question. "I think they're trying to make us look presentable for our parents, so that the last time they see us…" Jack gulped and couldn't finish. He smeared the tears off his face again.

"How do we look?" Henry asked. He stretched his neck, but was still too short to see into the mirror.

Jack straightened up a little to see over the sink. The faucet was in the way. He scooted over along the bathtub edge. "Sit here," Jack instructed. He pulled Henry onto his lap.

Henry settled in. He dripped snot down the front of his shirt.

Jack rested his chin on the top of Henry's head. Feeling something wet on the underside of his jaw, Jack shifted his head and took a look. Great spaghetti sauce! How in the world had Henry managed to get snot in his own hair? A bit disgusted, Jack straightened up and began appraising their appearance in the mirror.

Jack stared at his and Henry's grave, pale faces. He didn't look so bad; a little dirty and tear-streaked. Henry looked the same, but with a lot of snot added. His hair was ruffled and matted where he was cut. A warm, wet washcloth would do them both wonders.

"Well?" Henry's prompt sounded thick and mucus-y.

"Kinda gross," Jack replied.

Will swept back into the bathroom. One side of the box of band-aids was in shreds. He dumped the contents out next to the sink on the counter.

"Okay, guys," Will tried to sound cheerful. "We'll get you all fixed up, and then you can go see the grown-ups. Don't show them your injuries, okay? Trust me, they'll be happier not knowing."

Henry and Jack shared a knowing look. They both nodded, but Will wasn't watching them.

"Okay, okay," he muttered to himself. "It's all going to be okay. What do we need? Band-aids. We have the band-aids. That gooey disinfecting cream stuff. Where is that again?" Will tore open a cupboard and rummaged around. He could only find an unopened box.

Kevin popped in with a report. "Rossi's eating flowers," he said.

Will paused in his rummaging. "What?" He shut the cupboard and turned to face Kevin. "Why do we have such weird friends?"

Kevin shrugged. "Do you need any help here?" He looked around the bathroom. Will was on a frenzied hunt for something. The boys looked terrified.

"Nah, nah, I got this," Will told him. Will was now rifling through the wastebasket. He pulled out a crumpled tube that had once held disinfectant cream. "There you are," Will hissed at it. He straightened it out.

"Should I wet a washcloth?" Kevin asked. The longer this went on, the more chance there was of JJ getting suspicious. If she saw the van out front, she would know they were here.

Will looked over at Jack and Henry. "Uh, yeah, that would be great. A few tissues couldn't hurt, either," he said upon seeing Henry's nose.

Kevin opened the linen closet and dug out a perfectly folded washcloth. "Has he always been like that?"

"Yeah. It's pretty harmless, but JJ wants us to mention it next time he goes in for a check-up. She's worried about the money we spend at the store, you know. You wouldn't believe how many boxes of tissues that kid goes through every week." Will squeezed the life out of the poor little tube, only to find that every last bit of the cream had been used up. "Ugh!" Will threw the little bottle back into the wastebasket. He would have to open up a new tube of cream.

Will felt the urge to say a bad word. He suppressed it, but needed a substitute. He looked at Henry and blurted the first word that came to mind. "Snot!"

Kevin chuckled. He turned off the faucet and wrung out the now-wet washcloth.

"Excuse me," Will grumbled. He squeezed between the boys and Kevin and opened up a cupboard. He grabbed the unopened tube of cream and shut the cupboard door forcefully.

Will picked at the box. Why? Why did these stupid things always have to be encased in so much plastic and cardboard?

First there was the shrink wrap. God, Will hated shrink wrap. Sometimes he needed a butcher knife to get through it. What was it for, anyway? Will had spent so many hours pondering this but had never come up with a good answer. Could it be for security purposes? If stores were so paranoid about people stealing products that they shrink wrapped every damn thing, why not just get better security? And if someone was really intent on stealing a tube of disinfectant cream, they probably would have a very good reason, and shrink wrap is not going to stop them anyway! What sort of logic do these people use?

Then came the cardboard. A stupid, teeny-tiny tube of cream was enveloped in this box of cardboard just shiny and foil-wrapped enough to ensure that it could not be recycled. Why? Also, to open the box, you had to find just the right side; the side with the tab on it and the miniscule words saying 'open here'. And then it doesn't open any easier there than if you had just torn it open from the front.

After you get through the shrink wrap and cardboard, you get a feeling of accomplishment that is quickly dispelled by a new discovery: the tube of cream is actually bolted to the box using the kind of plastic that does not ever rip. If you didn't already use any tools, you're going to have to use that butcher knife now. Oh, but be ever so careful so as to not slice up the tube of cream!

Then, you have the damn tube out of the box and you think you're home free. Well, you've got another thing coming! Guess what? The cap doesn't come off until you pull on the plastic tab and tear off a ring of heavy, thick plastic that goes all the way around it!

So now you have in front of you a lot of shrink wrap, the remnants of that cardboard box, a butcher knife (Will had been told that normal people use scissors), and several strips of indestructible plastic. Oh, and a little tiny tube of disinfectant cream.

But you're still not done! You have to unscrew the cap and peel off a little piece of foil that apparently kept the cream 'fresh' and 'uncontaminated'.

By the time you have completed this whole task, any cut you would have liked to disinfect has probably healed.

This whole process usually made Will very angry. That's why he normally made JJ do it instead.


	20. Battle in the Zinnias

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Author's Note: *Evil laughter* Who do you think will be next to go insane?

* * *

><p>"JJ?" a voice called.<p>

JJ's mind shot out of the glorious rest. She fought through the remaining ties of darkness to reply coherently. "Hmph."

"JJ?" JJ recognized the voice. It belonged to Hotch.

Louder, JJ mumbled, "What do you want?" Damn you, Hotch, JJ thought. She had been so close to sleeping!

"I just thought you might want to know…. Rossi's eating your flower garden."

JJ's eyes snapped open. "What did you say?" She peeled herself off of the back of the lounge chair. Sitting up, now, she stared at Hotch, who was looking remarkably comfortable with a bowl of tortilla chips.

Hotch's hand paused in its ascent to his mouth with a chip in order to answer. "Rossi's eating your flower garden," he repeated smoothly.

JJ turned to look at her flower garden, which occupied the back half of the backyard. Sure enough, there was Rossi. He was crouched in the middle of the zinnias, chewing away and chatting with his unicorn pool ring and noodle.

JJ couldn't quite believe this. But when she squared it with everything else that had happened so far today, it didn't seem so odd after all. Nonetheless, her precious garden desperately needed saving.

JJ whipped around, half-falling out of her chair. She crashed to the ground, banging her left knee against the concrete. She flailed around and grasped at the lounge chair for balance.

"Rossi!" JJ shrieked. "Get out of my garden!"

She pulled herself up from the ground and charged into the zinnia patch. She stopped up short just before crashing into him.

Rossi stared up at her. He blinked slowly while calmly munching on a flower.

"Out!" JJ ordered. She pointed toward the pool.

Rossi blinked again. He reached to pluck another flower, but JJ slapped his hand away.

"Out!" She repeated.

Rossi stared at her some more. His eye twitched.

JJ sighed. She let her arm fall to her side. What a day. The next pool party would be hosted elsewhere, indeed if the team was willing to go through any of this again at all.

Rossi tipped his head to the side and seemed to look right through her.

JJ mustered her indignation. "Out! This is my garden, Rossi! Remove yourself from it!"

There was absolutely no reaction. JJ glanced over her shoulder at the pool. Hotch and Walden were watching her, amused. The rest had failed to notice her plight.

JJ turned back to Rossi. While she had looked away, he had snatched another zinnia and was now chewing it to bits.

"Aah! No! Bad Rossi!" JJ felt like whining and stamping her feet. She pulled herself together and pointed back at the pool again. "Out. Go on," she prodded. "Shoo!" She flicked her hand in a dismissing motion. It got no reaction, but it was fun, so she did it again. "Shoo!" she repeated.

Rossi still did not respond.

JJ shook her head. This was really getting out of hand.

She swooped down and yanked the purple foam noodle from Rossi's grasp.

Rossi finally woke up out of his insane trance. "Get your hands off of my Betsie!" he snarled. He grabbed onto one end of the noodle and pulled.

"Get out of my flower garden!" JJ yelled. She pulled on the other end of the noodle and leaned back.

"Betsie requires sustenance same as you or I! You wouldn't deny Reid his Chex Mix, now would you?" Rossi yelled back.

Reid looked up. "Say what about my Chex Mix?"

"Never mind, Reid!" JJ called. "Let go of the damn noodle, Rossi!"

"No way! If you think for just one moment that you can separate my trusty steed Betsie from me, you sure as heck have another thing coming!" Rossi pulled on the foam noodle as hard as he could.

JJ almost lost her grip, but caught it just in time. "This is a foam noodle, for Pete's sake! This isn't a unicorn named Betsie! And anyway, I thought the pool ring was Betsie, not the noodle!"

"The pool ring is Betsie's head, you idiot! What you're trying to take from us right now is the rest of her body!"

"Wait… so she's, like, decapitated? Eew!" JJ stuck her tongue out and pulled harder on the purple foam noodle.

"How dare you! Betsie is whole in spirit!" Rossi yelled. He dug his heels into the soft soil of the flower garden and leaned back as far as he dared.

"Rossi, there is no Betsie!" JJ shouted. "All this is, is just a bunch of foam and plastic!"

"Blasphemy!" Rossi growled. "Don't listen to her, Betsie!"

"Foam and plastic!" JJ ranted. "Just foam and plastic!"

"Don't worry, Betsie! I won't let her berate you like that!" Rossi hollered.

"You!" He pointed at JJ. "You have tarnished our reputation of courage and bravery!"

"What?" JJ was confused at the sudden accusation. But that was all Rossi needed. As her grip slackened, Rossi pulled the noodle from her grasp and stood up.

"How dare you encroach on our meal! Away with you!" Rossi flicked his hand in much the same motion as JJ had moments earlier.

"No! You're eating my flower garden! I have a right to kick you out of it!" JJ couldn't believe she was really getting dragged into this.

"I don't see any kicking going on," Rossi observed to Betsie. Then to JJ, "Stand down, coward. One that will resort to the petty act of thievery is not worthy to face Betsie and I as an adversary! Run away, cowardly thief, run away or produce your weapon, for I hereby challenge you to a battle for honor!"

JJ nearly went back to retrieve her orange foam noodle weapon. Just in time, she realized that the least productive thing to do was to get into a noodle battle with her boss in the flower garden over the honor of a non-existent unicorn.

JJ sighed and rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palm. After a moment of silence, she threw her hands above her head and retreated to the pool area.

"You know what, Rossi?" she said to him. "Go ahead. Eat my garden. You and Betsie have a nice meal there. Go on, eat it all. Eat all of my hours and hours of planting, watering, tending, and care. Just destroy it all! Go on!" JJ found that she was smiling and laughing in a lyrical, creepy sort of way, and discovered that she just didn't care anymore.

When JJ arrived back by the pool, she found everyone staring at her. Everyone was looking at her most oddly. Reid had emerged from his Chex Mix, Garcia paused in her laughing, and Prentiss had even temporarily stopped beating up on Morgan in favor of staring at her as though she was insane.

"What?" JJ tossed her hair. "What are you all looking at me for? I'm not the crazy one. That award goes to Rossi over there." JJ pointed behind her, to where Rossi was devouring her flowers again.

Everyone slowly went back to whatever they had been doing previously.

Out of the spotlight, JJ sank back into her chair and closed her eyes. Maybe she could get a little sleep now. Oh, God. What a day…


	21. Lizzie's Mission

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

* * *

><p>Lizzie shuffled carefully down the driveway, keeping close to the hedges. She gripped her shotgun tightly, holding it in a position so as to have it ready as quickly as possible. In this manner she made good time in getting to the curb.<p>

Here, though, the hedges ended. Lizzie was in open territory, now. She looked up the quiet street, then down the other way. A black sedan was headed up the road. Lizzie darted behind her mailbox and pressed herself up against it.

All her days in the Air Force had prepared her well for this. She leaned silently up against the mailbox. The car was going very slowly and had not passed her yet. Lizzie kept calm and steadied her breathing. She rocked back and forth a little, feeling the squishiness of her sneakers.

The drone of the car changed pitch and Lizzie knew it had passed her. She peeked around the mailbox. There was no more oncoming traffic, at least, that she could see.

Before making the street crossing, Lizzie needed to check if anyone was watching. She surveyed the houses on either side of hers. The windows and curtains were shut against the deathly heat and sunlight. Nobody moved inside. But that was to be expected; the families in those houses were on vacation. There was nobody watching her mission.

Satisfied in her appraisal, Lizzie crouched low and scuttled down into the street. She pressed her back up against the curb and turned her head from side to side.

From this vantage point, she could see farther down the street both ways. On the right, all was quiet. The heat shimmered above the pavement. On the left, the street appeared to be empty. But… was that a wheel poking out of a side street?

Lizzie couldn't tell, really. She adjusted her glasses. She suspected that her prescription lenses weren't quite up to scratch. Next time she went to the optometrist, she would certainly have a few words to say to him.

Out of the side street came a man on a bike.

A _cyclist_! Lizzie had always hated cyclists. Especially this kind, the ones that wasted hundreds of dollars to get all decked out in those fancy cycling suits. The ones that thought they were professionals, when all they do is go out for a nice breezy ride around the neighborhood every weekend. From her window in years past, Lizzie had told off a bunch of them, and even reported some of them to the police as a public service. Somehow, she had missed this guy.

He cruised up the street. As he passed her, he gave a little wave and strummed the bell on his handlebars.

Lizzie was tempted to rush out and give him a piece of her mind, but knew that she had to focus on her mission.

As soon as he passed her, Lizzie stood up and began to hobble quickly across the street.

The cyclist happened to look back at this point, perhaps to doff his helmet at her or whatever cyclists did these days. Once he saw what she was carrying, however, he swung his bike around, tipped it onto the kickstand, and called out to her.

"Ma'am!" he called.

Lizzie hurried along and willed him to just go away. He was obstructing her mission, couldn't he see that?

"Ma'am, where are you going with that?" The cyclist began walking toward her, probably with a mind to take away her shotgun.

But Lizzie wasn't just some senile old bat with a bunny, no siree! She wouldn't just stand around and let him take her shotgun from her. Lizzie had been in the Air Force in her good days, and she could sure put up a fight. She half wanted him to try, just so that she could show him up good and proper.

"Ma'am, I really think you should slow down for a moment." The cyclist was in the middle of the street.

Lizzie stepped up onto the curb next to Jenny's driveway. That cyclist just wasn't going to leave her alone. From this new higher ground, Lizzie spun around and pointed her shotgun at him.

Frightened, the cyclist put up his hands and stood still.

"Clear off!" Lizzie ordered. "Go on!"

"Ma'am, really-"

"Stop it with the ma'am! Just get your little tushie on out of here, you got that?"

"Okay, okay!" The cyclist backed away toward his bike.

"You're interfering with a mission of the highest importance! Do you want to get sued? Huh?"

"I'm leaving, I'm leaving," the cyclist assured her.

"And don't you go to the police, neither. They're here already, you see?" Lizzie tossed her head in the direction of the squad car parked to her left. "They authorized this here mission, and they won't be too pleased to know that you're messing with it, you hear?"

The cyclist seemed convinced of her insanity if nothing else. He backed into his bike, nearly falling over.

"You get back on that bike of yours and hightail it on out of here, got it?" Lizzie told him.

The cyclist hopped back onto his bike, threw the kickstand, and sped up the street.

Lizzie lowered her gun, shaking her head. Cyclists these days…

The mission wasn't over by any stretch. Lizzie took a careful look up and down the street. No cars. No bikes. Good.

She started up the driveway long enough to clear the row of hedges that lined the front of the property. She scooted behind them as soon as she could. Now Lizzie was shielded from the view of anyone from the street. She crouched down into the hedges and nestled in. From here, Lizzie planned her point of entry.

Lizzie couldn't just go in through the front door. That route was kind of obvious to anyone inside, and lacked the surprise she was looking for. Then she noticed that the big living room window was wide open. This looked pretty suspicious.

She shuffled up the front yard until she was standing beneath the open window. It was low enough to provide an easy point of access into the house.

Lizzie noticed that the screen had been taken out of the window and was laying in the flowerbed beneath it. The screen was squashing some brown-eyed susans. Out of respect for Jenny and the flowers, Lizzie picked up the screen and moved it onto the grass. Jenny did so love her flower gardens.

Now came the most fun part. Lizzie leaned her shotgun up against the house. She got a firm grip on the windowsill and heaved herself up and in through the open window. She landed next to the television. Pressing herself against it, she listened intently for any sort of movement.

For a minute, she heard nothing. But then, as she got used to the sounds of the house, she could distinguish irritated voices upstairs.

Quietly, Lizzie reached back through the window and pulled her shotgun into the house. She scooted over to the exit of the living room.

Suddenly, the voices upstairs got louder, and footsteps tramped down the stairs.

Lizzie ducked back into the living room. She peeked around the corner just a little.

Will, Hector, the familiar boy, and the unfamiliar man spilled off of the stairs and into the hall. The boys were patched up a bit. Will looked aggravated and was clutching the tatters of a small cardboard box. They all looked a trifle scared. The group of four headed down the hall and into the kitchen before pausing at the back door, gathering their courage, and entering the backyard.

Lizzie quietly slipped out from her hiding place and chose a good vantage point in the kitchen. The backyard seemed to be where the action was. She sat at the kitchen table, where she could see well through the sliding glass door.

Lizzie gripped her shotgun and held it at the ready. She waited. And watched.


End file.
